to follow

i decided about a week ago, to re-read the Gospels. i must admit, it has been some time since i had last spent solid time studying the life of Jesus. and so i have begun reading the Gospel of Matthew again, taking it slow and soaking it in. and for the last day or so i have been stuck on a part in chapter 4. i have read on, but i find myself coming back to this part over and over again.

it is the part where Jesus calls His first disciples. a part that honestly, i think often times i have just blown by. but something about it struck me this time. there seems to me something peculiar about the calling here. no, not so much the calling itself, but the response to it.

19"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." 20At once they left their nets and followed Him. 21Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed Him.

here we find Jesus walking up to some men, telling them to follow Him, and they just leave everything behind. something about this strikes me in a way i have no words for. these grown men, with businesses and equipment for the job, even a father, just get up and leave it all behind without a second thought. i remember hearing before something about the way Jesus called them. i had heard that it was an honor to be a disciple of a rabbi, a teacher. and that the way to be called into discipleship by one was for them to simply say, "follow me". this is exactly what Jesus did. now, Jesus is much more than a typical rabbi, He is the Son of God. He is not just a teacher, but the Creator.

and He called these men to go with Him, to follow Him and learn. and they got up and did so without a second thought. i think that feeling i mentioned earlier, the one without words, is conviction. conviction in my heart about following Jesus. i remember excepting the call to follow Jesus, but am i living up to it today? am i following Him in passionate pursuit without second thoughts? am i willing to leave my boat, even my father, behind to follow the King?

Peter, Andrew, James and John were. they left it all. at once. immediately.

there was no second thought in their decision. how about you? how about me? i know for me, it is something i honestly struggle with at times. Paul talks about the battle between the spirit and the flesh. what i know is right and true, and what i want out of my selfishness. do i really want to leave my boat? how about my father? my flesh, our flesh, wants to hold onto these things. yet my spirit says no, let them go and seek passionately after the King. it says, dont look back, dont rethink it. just go.

just follow.

the call the disciples received i dont think is much different from that of ours. we are called to follow, to learn and walk in the ways of Jesus, just as the disciples were. the question i must ask, that we must ask is this: are you willing to leave it all and follow Him?

would you leave it all behind to pursue the King?

plague of weeks

peace. it is something that many people in the world today desire. in fact, i think it is something many people would give a great deal for. i know peace is something i desire. but i desire something more than a world without war. cause lets face it, Scripture is clear there will be war on this earth till Christ returns. no, what i want more than that is a deeper peace. a peace that i dont really understand. i want the peace of God.

i have been stuck for several weeks now on a passage in Philippians, and it is just recently that i feel it is time to write of it. my thoughts have been on that of the future, as i am engaged now. it is interesting to me how a change in a relationship, big or small, can bring so many new thoughts. how, a change in status can bring new worries and fears, hopes and dreams. dont get me wrong, i am happy to be engaged, and am excited for the future. but with it comes decisions. this is where worry and fear can, and i think often does, creep in.

so in searching, God led me to Philippians 4. i must note that, it strikes me as funny how i have been thinking on this passage for weeks, and it was not until hearing a sermon on this very passage by my pastor this past Sunday, that i feel led to write on it. so here i am.

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Paul on several occasions addresses the importance of not worrying; of instead, bringing our issues before God. and here we find Paul following this up with the topic of peace in doing so. but, there is something here, in the way in which we present our requests, that we should do well in taking note. Paul instructs us to do so with thanksgiving. in other words, with a thankful, joyful attitude and mind-set. not one of grumbling and anger. how convicting, and yet comforting. my pastor pointed out that it is impossible to have the peace of God without a joyful, thankful spirit about us first. you cannot have peace with God before having a thankful spirit.

Paul tells us this in more than just words, but also in the way he constructs his point. he first commands us to be thankful in our requests, and THEN tells us about the peace of God. but i think there is more to this than just learning to have a thankful spirit and finding the peace of God. i believe there is more to learn here about the benefits of finding peace in God.

look at how Paul describes this peace towards the end of verse 7. he says "...which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." i believe that when satan attacks, he more times than not targets our minds and hearts. more so than our flesh, it is the hearts and minds of people, God's children and not, that he strikes. i know this is true of me. when satan gets a foothold in my mind or heart, it only makes it easier for him to gain one with my flesh. it is because of this that what Paul says here is so significant to me.

this peace that i dont understand, this peace that is of God, guards me in the ways i need it most. it guards my most vulnerable parts of my being. and it does so in the One who conquered the attacker for all eternity. one note i read of this passage likens it to a sentry standing guard. one in a defensive stance. a "protective custody". this is the peace i desire, and it is of God. nothing else. this is a peace that the world cannot provide. it is not a peace that anything we buy can bring us.

i dont know about you, but that is the kind of peace i want. though i am residing in this world of chaos for now, it is comforting to me that i can find peace at all times, and in any situation. we all face choices each day. we all have to make decisions. some are bigger than others. but either way, satan uses those times to strike us the most with worry, fear and doubt. we are commended to take these things to God with thanksgiving. and it is then that we find peace.

but not just any peace.
a peace that honestly, i just dont get.

and i like that.

conquering the tempter

i decided to start reading Matthew tonight. in all honesty, i have really slacked off on my devotional reading, and i have been feeling it. and tonight i found myself stopped on a passage i have dwelt on before, yet with no real spiritual gain. just more of a "huh, thats really interesting". but tonight i believe i got more out of it than just that.

the temptation of Jesus has always fascinated me. the idea that the King of kings, the Lord of lords would be tempted kind of blows me away. i have to wonder what satan was really thinking. did he really think he might succeed? its in Matthew 4, you should check it out. i mean honestly, the third temptation i often want to laugh. satan, tempting the Creator with His creation. funny.

but two things hit me tonight. something i think we should all ponder. the first, has to do with when we are tempted. i know for me i am most easily tempted when i am tired. i believe it is when we are at our weakest point that we are most easily conquered. did you notice how satan doesnt try his tricks until Jesus had been wandering around for 40 days? it is not until He is hungry and weak that satan launches his attack. how true is this for us? more than that, look at the boldness of satan in his attack. iv often seen, and honestly at times fight it within myself, this attitude of invincibility. we get this idea that it wont happen to us. but let us remember that we are not dealing with an enemy who is incompetent. he is sly, and he is bold. if satan is bold enough to tempt the Creator of the universe, should we not also expect him to tempt us?

Jesus though, was victorious. i mean, we are talking about God in the flesh, He created satan before he fell. i think Jesus models for us here a way to handle temptation. often i believe we try to deal with it on our own. at least i do. we get this idea that we just need to be stronger, we just need to fight a little harder. but all i have found down that path is more pain and more guilt. there is no victory. Jesus knows this, and so He responds with God's Word. He quotes Scripture to satan, refuting his temptations and offers one at a time. Jesus, when weak and tired, conquered temptation not by His own power, but by that of the Word of God. can you comprehend that? Jesus, who has all the power ever, chooses to not use it. instead, He fires back with the Word of God, penned by the prophets of the LORD!!! what an example for us!

satan tries every day to tempt God's children. often times i think he wins. i know in my life, he has gained more footholds than i want him to have, and it is always due to my poor response. temptation will always be present in this world. it is something we must learn to deal with effectively if we desire to walk in the footsteps of Christ. and like many other things, He provides for us an example we should take notice of, and put into practice.

of minimal importance

i decided to not go to church this morning. and you know what? i feel great about it. dont get me wrong, i love church. i love being able to see people and worship corporately. but i just did not want that this morning. i wanted to worship, but alone. that is something i dont get much of anymore. i live in the city, i have a roommate, im always busy it seems. it is like the idea of worshiping God alone, just me and Him, has taken a back seat in importance. it is of minimal importance in today's church it seems. if you just decide to skip church and worship at home instead, you might be equated as a pagan. i know a guy who one sunday went fishing instead of church. he went by himself. i dont blame him. i love to fish, and i love being in God's creation. and what an opportunity to witness to others outside the church!

see, i think we have this mindset that church, that worship, only takes place inside the walls of the building that is on a plot of land. it is funny you know, cause Israel put God in a box like that once too. and you know what happened???? He sent them into exile to teach them a valuable lesson.....God cannot be confined! worship, likewise, cannot be confined.

God is just as pleased with me worshiping this morning in my room as He is with me worshiping in another building.

perhaps we as the body of Christ need to rethink this whole "never miss a sunday" mentality. perhaps we need to reevaluate the importance of worshiping God in secret, alone, just Him and you. in today's world where business and socializing to the extreme is praised, perhaps we should back up and take a break. now, im not advocating this for every sunday, or even every other sunday. but i think we should rethink this mentality i mentioned before.

God is not impressed that you make it to church every sunday. just like going to church doesnt make you a christian, i would be very careful to say going to church every sunday makes you a BETTER christian. God wants the heart more than the body. it is easy to show up in the pew, but leave your heart elsewhere.

i challenge you to rethink this mentality of "never miss a sunday". perhaps you are like me, and you need a break. perhaps you are like me, and this idea of individual worship is not of minimal importance in the end, but is instead of great importance.

if it is, i further challenge you to take a real sabbath. ask someone to hold you to it, and the next week ask what you learned in your time of worship. dont take it as a vacation per say, but a time of individual worship, to reconnect with God. if that is through fishing, go fish. if it is through climbing a mountain, go for it. if it is just sitting in a chair with some coffee and your Bible, get comfy.

above all else though, seek God. seek Him with your heart, mind and body. for this is true worship, honoring God in all ways.

all the cards on the table

*****before i begin this blog, i want to make one thing clear. I AM NOT RACIST. i am simply stating what i see, as i see it. this is NOT a hate blog, or anything of the type against black people or white people. it is simply my observations of election results in light of some things that have been said by several people across the nation. i am also NOT saying one candidate is better than the other in this blog.*****

i have been thinking about something since election night last week. and since then there has been a lot of things happen that point towards the conclusion i have arrived at. the race card has been pulled out many times this election, mainly from the black population and the Obama party, and thrust at the white population and the McCain party. and quite frankly, i am really sick of it. i am sick of it mainly because i see a lot of evidence pointing towards the opposite. and i think it is time people face the truth.

what started this after hearing the race card pulled out, was a poll shown on www.msnbc.com election night, that showed some 96% of all black voters voted for Obama. this made me scratch my head. you see, all leading up to the election it had been believed that all the white people would vote for McCain, and that would be racist. and yet, polls show that many white people actually voted for Obama, right along with the extremely high percentage of black people.

the next piece was an audio clip done by the Howard Stern Show (of which i do not support, but we cannot overlook evidence). one of their reporters went out to Harlem and asked black people who they voted for. upon them saying Obama, the reporter than asked them what they thought of Obama's policies, but in reality was attributing McCain's policies to Obama. every person they asked agreed with the policies stated and attributed to Obama, including VP candidate Sarah Palin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCipmnYCKB0). unfortunately they found a black man who voted for McCain, and they pulled the same thing with him and got identical results. i point this out (both sides) to say this, many people voted without a clue as to what the candidate stood for. you cannot honestly sit here and tell me that 96% of black voters voted for Obama simply because of where he stood on the issues. i dont buy it. it seems clear to me that race had a large part in this.

unfortunately, no one in the media has the guts to address this. so i will probably be labeled a racist with anyone else who points this out. and this brings me to the last straw for me. yesterday the Chicago Tribune had an article that was for black men who wanted to follow in Obama's footsteps. now, lets be honest. if a white person wrote something like this in relation to McCain, it would be labeled racist. but is this really all that different? honestly, racism flies on both sides of the table. i have to be honest and say, i see a lot of racism on the side of black people with this election. i do not say that out of hatred, but frustration. is it on the white side? YEAH! i admit that. you cannot tell me that all the people in the south voted for McCain simply because of where he stands on issues. i dont buy that either!

the point is, racism is evident on both sides, yet it is always the white people who get accused of it. and i am disgusted by that. it is time people face the truth, and we all start to change for the better. blacks and whites. i come from a family who on one side is racist, unfortunately. i have grown up around it my entire life. and it is by the grace of God that i have been able to not follow that path of hatred based on a few genetic differences. but people, lets not be blind. this election, race had a lot to do with it despite what we heard before hand. it makes me wonder, what would it have been like if McCain was black, and Obama white?

*****now, to those who think i am being mean: i love you. again, i am no way stating that one candidate is better than the other. i am a firm believer in Romans 13, and will support the leadership position given to Obama and be respectful of him. to those whom this makes upset, or those who think i am picking on black people, stop right there. if things would be completely opposite, i would have written the same thing against the white population. truth is not based on color or situations. truth is truth regardless.******

It's Official

On Saturday, October 19th, 2008 i made the biggest purchase of my life to date. and with this purchase soon followed a question. it had played through my mind time and time again, and here i was finally ready to ask it. God provided that night in a way that amazes me. i would have never been able to make the purchase had it not been for His provision financially. and, as much as i had rehearsed the question and played the event in my mind, my nervousness would have held me had it not been for the peace of God.

after Amanda went on a scavenger hunt and found her prize, i got sat her on the bed in her room and knelt down on one knee. i proceeded to ask the big question, and after i got her name out she stopped me.

she did not stop me because she was saying no. rather, she wanted me to sit on the bed with her, so i climbed onto the bed. holding her in my arms, i said "Amanda Jane Ingram, will you marry me?"

obviously she said yes, and after i put the new ring on her hand she ran downstairs to show my mom and everyone else.

we have a date set for those wondering, but it is not for a while. to those who congratulated us, thank you for your kind words. we are looking forward to growing together, and seeing what God has in store for us!

Jesus IS my friend

i just have to share this. it blows my mind.....

the beauty of GRACE

you ever read something so profound, you get a knot in your stomach? it happens to me when something just really grips me. i feel cornered, convicted and humbled...often times against my will. it is good.

i have a knot that i want to share. call it a confession. i started reading Galatians again tonight. honestly, it has been some time since i have spent serious time in the New Testament, and i have felt disconnected in a sense from Jesus and His teachings. wondering which writing i should focus on, i felt lead to Galatians. and i started reading.

iv only gotten through part of chapter three, and i had to stop and write. this knot just keeps growing. you know the kind that is so great, you cant help but bend forward and make it even more felt within you?

lets start at the beginning, where the knot started to form. its in the first chapter, right after paul greets his recipients of his letter. check this out:

8But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned!

i was frozen for a few minutes here. the boldness of paul here grips my very heart. you know that feeling when you read something again, and it is like brand new? that is the feeling, coupled with conviction and humbleness. see, paul does not just stop at man here, but he takes it to another level, that of angels. this is serious stuff paul is talking about......the preaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

it makes me stop and think, what kind of Gospel do i preach? would it line up with paul? more importantly, would it line up with Christ?

and see, when we jump farther in we find paul is not just talking about words here....he is talking about how we live. later in chapter two we find paul speaking of his issue with peter. we learn that peter, when with the other jews, acted differently around the gentile believers than he did when the jews were not present. paul in turn it says, "11...opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong." im just lost for words, it feels like.

take this situation with peter that paul addresses, and jump back to where we began. paul goes on in verse ten of chapter one to ask the question of who we try to gain approval of? is it men, or of God? there is a convicting question!

here is another way to ask it.....
how often do we water down the Gospel of Jesus Christ as to not offend anyone?
how often do we let the fear of rejection or criticism stop us from speaking the truth?

and again, this goes farther than just words. how often do we do this with our actions? maybe we dont pray before we eat when we go out, simply because someone might point and laugh. but then in church on Sunday we are all about the prayer team.

you see what paul is saying? paul in his boldness eternally condemns anyone, man or angel, who preaches anything other than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. and i would go as far as to say paul does not limit this to just words. that is convicting.

but it does not stop there for me, this is just where the knot begins. after he tells of the situation with peter, he goes into this lengthy declaration of the point of grace. there is so much in here that just yanks at my heart, but one part specifically convicts me.

21...for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!

ask yourself this question with me:
how often do we set up boundaries in our lives to keep us from falling, and find they tend to fail more than work?

this is the question i was faced with when i read this passage from Galatians chapter two. let me say this though before i move on, i am not against setting up boundaries in our lives to help keep us from falling; in fact, i believe Scripturally it is commanded of us.

but here is the danger i was confronted with tonight, and ultimately convicted of. we often set up these boundaries to help keep us safe, and intentionally or not, end up relying on them to save us. and then when they dont, we find ourselves in a state of confusion and depression.

how foolish to place our trust in these laws! paul makes a point that is so simple, yet so profound! if we were meant to find righteousness through laws, what would be the point of Jesus Christ stepping into His creation from heaven, to die on a cross? there would be no point!!!! paul further drives this point home clearly in the following chapter when he says,

11Clearly no one is justified before God by the law...

the law, our boundaries we put up, they are not what save us. it is what Christ Jesus did for us on the cross; and only by faith in what He did. there is nothing we can do to ever save ourselves. no amount of effort, no skill. it is only by faith in the death, burial and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ that can save us. it is grace from God, not the law. this is why paul also said,

16...know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ.

for if this were not true, "Christ died for nothing!"

do you seek?

a thought i have had in light of a conversation with an old friend about understanding things in this world.

Proverbs 1:7 says this:

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge...

Proverbs 2:6 says this:

For the LORD gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

we naturally want to understand things. it is clear where understanding comes from and how we can attain it in our own lives.

so here is my thought. how can we expect to gain understanding when we consciously chose to walk in our own ways?

we go looking for understanding often times in the wrong places, and seem shocked, upset and angry with God when we come back empty handed. and yet is it any wonder we have nothing to show for our efforts?

if we want true understanding, we must seek the One from which all understanding originates from. we must be willing to humbly submit ourselves before Him, and follow His ways. any other way is foolish.

and what of those times God withholds understanding? this is where faith comes in. faith that God is in control of all things, even when it seems He is not. let us keep in mind we only see the brush strokes, where as God sees the painting in its entirety.

i will end with this. i cannot recall any instance in Scripture, or my life or the lives of those around me where God granted wisdom and understanding unless the individual was seeking after God with all of their being, striving to walk in His path.

so my question is this. you who seek understanding, who's path are you following?

your own, or God's?

lizards

something has been bugging me for the last few days. something i read, a thought that was injected into my mind. provocative, yet humbling simultaneously. it came while reading one of C.S. Lewis' writings. i have become hooked on them and have recently checked out three new ones. this thought comes from the one i finished a few days ago, called "The Great Divorce".

it is about the differences of Heaven and Hell, their realness and disunity. great read, i might add.

there is this part towards the end where the person observing that which happens around him is talking with a great theologian of the past, and during the course of their discussion and walking about they witness many others being challenged by angels to chose life. one particular instance sticks with me. there was a man he witnessed who had a great lizard on his neck, whispering things to him. this man was yelling at the lizard to keep quiet, and an angel then offered to make it quiet for him. the man, wanting the lizard to be quiet accepted the angels offer. and then the angel asked if he should kill it now. at this the man became alarmed, for he did not understand the angel would kill it. through the discourse that took place between the angel and the man, the angel finally convinced the man that though it would hurt the man some, the lizard would be silenced and the man would have true life. the lizard, who whispered into the mans ear, deceiving him of the truth.

the man gave in, and the angel clasped its hand around the lizard and it burned up, causing the man great agony. and then, the lizard fell to the ground, losing its grip on the man.

but it did not stop there. the lizard, though dead, squirmed on the ground and became a great stallion. the man climbed upon this stallion and then rode him off into the great Mountains where the Sun rises.

interesting. convicting. humbling.

just a few thoughts of mine after i read and pondered this part. fiction, yet with a great truth. it is only when we let our lizards, the wrong influences and habits in our life die, that we become truely who we are meant to be.

i have some lizards in my life. i think we all do. one might say, "of course we do! we are human after all!" very true, but Scripture is clear that this is no excuse to continue living in sin.

and here i must admit i am preaching to myself.

it is as if God is not letting this idea leave me, and i know why. i have lizards i need to deal with. lizards that need to die. lizards that have taken a hold of me simply because i have allowed them to.

think of this:

...do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:27

it was my choice to give these lizards a place around my neck, and yet i am commanded not to do so.

now look at this:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:22-24

this is what we need to be doing, what i need to do. let those lizards die, and become what i was created to be....a son of God.

it is not easy, il admit that. it is real easy to just say something like this, it is another to live it out. but that is what i am called to do as a son.

and yet i cannot do it on my own......there is no victory down that road, onyl deception and failure. it is only through submission to the power of the Holy Spirit that sin may be conquered.

and dead falls a lizard.

if there is one thing i have learned, it is that Satan is an expert at making a lie appear as truth. and how will we know the difference if we do not know the Truth? if we want to conquer sin we must realize that WE cannot. it is just like changing people, WE dont do the changing. it is the Holy Spirit that does this. the same is true when it comes to conquering sin in our lives. it is through complete surrender to the Will of God and the Holy Spirit, letting it invade every part of our lives and do some house cleaning.

i once heard it illustrated in this fashion in a book i read about purity. our bodies are like a house, and it is filled with rooms, all with doors. we have to take down the barricades holding those doors shut willingly, and let Christ walk through and do what He wishes. we have to submit to God our wills, desires, everything, if we truely want to get rid of the sin in our lives.

and here is the tricky part, it doesnt end here. we live in a world saturated with sin, and because of this we must be constantly surrendering ourselves to His command.

the bottom line is there is no other way to successfully take down sin in our lives. all the other ways are filled with more lies, pain and failure.

i want success. i want joy. i want peace knowing i am in right communion with God.

i want dead lizards.

silly liberals

so i found this article link today, and i had to laugh as i read it. it has to do with gun control.

now, i openly admit i am 100% supportive of the 2nd amendment, and I am anti-gun control in the way liberals describe. read the following article, and i think you will understand.

The Truth - About assault rifles. Those evil assault rifles.
a post written by Shawn McCarthy
Saturday, September 13 at 9:10 PM

Attack of the terrible “assault” rifles.

During Charlie Gibson’s interview with GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin, he asked a question pertaining to so-called “assault” rifles. I am going to show you the question and demonstrate how she SHOULD have answered.


Watch out friends, this is one of the things the dems are going to try if the Obamessiah gets into the White House, with their interpretations of the Constitution as a “living document.”


GIBSON: 70% of Americans support a ban on assault rifles, would you favor such a ban?


What PALIN should have said:


Well, Charlie, I wonder what you mean by “assault rifle.” Traditional assault weapons are weapons that can be fired on either semi-automatic or fully automatic and have a selector switch to pick between the two options. Oh, am I loosing you already, ok I will explain the differences,


You see, Charlie, a fully automatic weapon is one where you pull the trigger and the weapons fires until its ammunition supply is exhausted. These weapons are excessively regulated already by the United States government. Is that what you mean by “assault rifle?” Well, Charlie, if it is, I must say that I do not support banning them. Why? Well, research would show. . . What?

I am loosing you again?

You need me to explain “research?” Ok Charlie, research is something REAL journalists and citizens who wish to exercise their right to vote responsibly engage in prior to casting their vote or asking dumb-ass questions. . . What? No Charlie, I am not explaining “responsibly.” You will have to look that up yourself later.


So let’s pretend you were a real journalist and you did your research. You would find that assault weapons, the fully automatic kind, are almost never used in crimes. In fact, in the last 50 years, an American Civilian has NEVER used a legally owned fully automatic “assault” weapon in a crime. As it stands, civilians who wish to own a fully automatic weapon must apply for a pricey license from the Department of Treasury and then pay very high prices for the weapon itself, since importation and manufacture of automatic weapons for civilian use have been prohibited since 1986. As you can imagine, Charlie, that drives the prices up a tad.


So Charlie, is that what you mean by the question? Well I sure cannot see much of a need for a ban on a weapon that is never used in crimes and is already prohibited from importation and manufacture. Can you, Charlie?


Or did you mean a broader definition of “assault” rifle? Maybe you meant weapons which were banned by the Clinton “assault” weapons ban in the 90s? Is that what you mean, Charlie?

Well, let’s look at the characteristics which made a weapon scary enough to be banned by Clinton. The weapons covered in the Clinton ban were semi-automatic weapons cap- oh, sorry Charlie, semi-automatic means you pull the trigger once, and one bullet comes out of the barrel.

You keeping up with me Charlie?

So as I was saying, the Clinton ban covered semi-automatic weapons capable of taking a detachable magazine that also contained two or more of the following features:

-A folding or telescoping stock

-A pistol grip

-A bayonet mount

-A flash suppressor, or threads to attach one

-A grenade launcher.


I know Charlie, those things do sound scary. Well, stop wetting yourself and slow your breathing and I will explain each one of them for you.


-The folding or telescopic stock simply reduces the weight of the rifle and makes it adjustable for people of different sizes. In a way it promotes diversity.


-The pistol grip is simply a place to rest your hand when firing the gun, and on some guns it offers extra means of stabilizing the rifle while you are shooting it.


-The bayonet mount is the means for attaching a bayonet, which is sometimes simply a knife, to the end of the rifle. I know Charlie, knifes are also scary, but rest assured that most people don’t ever attach bayonets to their rifles because it can hurt their accuracy when they are shooting. The bayonet mounts are just on a lot of rifles because many of the rifles we buy are military rifles from other countries that aren’t being used anymore; its kind of like recycling. The people just leave the mounts on for cosmetic reasons, or simply because it is more of a pain in the butt to take them off. I do understand your concerns of the dangers of bayonets though, we would hate to have a break-out of mass bayonetings.


-A flash suppressor is a device which minimizes the bright stuff that comes out of the end of a barrel when you shoot a gun. These are useful for military snipers or marksmen engaging from a distance who do not want to give away their position. They are usually just left on imported rifles like the bayonet mounts. Sometimes they are combined with compensators which make the rifle’s recoil easier to control.


-Grenade launchers are also very scary. Yes, you can hug me while I talk to you about them. It’s ok Charlie, it will be fine, no one is going to hurt you. The grenade launchers that are sometimes found on rifles are for special grenades which would be attached to the end of the rifle, then set off by a special round which does not actually fire a bullet but just creates enough gas to propel the grenade. These launchers entail nothing more than an attachment on the end of the barrel and a switch to redirect the gas generated by the spent round to the grenade. This gas usually pushes the bolt back and chambers the next round for the rifle. These launchers are part of the gas-operating systems of the rifle and would be very difficult to remove. Am I losing you Charlie? Well, rest assured that these launchers have NEVER been used for a crime in the United States. Someone would have to get their hands on the grenades AND the special cartridge to fire the grenade, so I don’t expect that anyone will be using those for liquor store robberies anytime soon.


So, Charlie, you are probably wondering, like many educated Americans did, why President Clinton would want to ban guns for such silly reasons. Well, I have my theories, but I think it was summed up well by an editorial in The Washington Post from September 15, 1994, which states:

“No one should have any illusions about what was accomplished (by the ban). Assault weapons play a part in only a small percentage of crime. The provision is mainly symbolic; its virtue will be if it turns out to be, as hoped, a stepping stone to broader gun control.”


When most people hear the term “assault rifle” they simply think of military-style rifles. Let’s talk about some things military-style rifles have in common, other than scaring the crap out of liberals such as yourself. They tend to be simple to operate, simple to break down and clean, safer to operate, durable, reliable and fairly cheap to shoot (due to mass-produced, inexpensive ammo). They are also generally very difficult to conceal and are often times in weaker calibers than most hunting rifles.


What Charlie, you don’t understand why people would want to own these rifles anyway? Well, some people hunt with them but that is not their main purpose. Most people just like to collect them and shoot them for practice and sport. People collect all different sorts of things Charlie, from cars to baseball cards. Like you Charlie, you collect silly glasses and practice pretentious glances and you like to shoot out condescending and misleading “gotcha!” questions. And let’s not forget, shooting is a competitive sport, and many rifle shooting competitions require far more athleticism than, say, golf or bowling.


And really, Charlie, what does it matter why people want to own them? The beautiful thing about America is that we have the right to collect such things, and our Founding Fathers did not want silly alarmists to be able to prevent us from having them simply because they do understand them.


Let’s go back to some more research. You remember research from a few minutes ago, don’t you Charlie?

-Assault weapons are not the weapons of choice among drug dealers, gang members or criminals in general. In fact, assault weapons are used in about one-fifth of one percent (.20%) of all violent crimes and about one percent in gun crimes.

-It is estimated that roughly one percent of all homicides are committed with assault weapons (rifles of any type are involved in three to four percent of all homicides).

-Between 1992 and 1996 less than 4% of mass murders, committed with guns, involved assault weapons. (Our deadliest mass murders have either involved arson or bombs.)

-There are close to 4 million assault weapons in the U.S., which amounts to roughly 1.7% of the total gun stock.

So, Charlie, back to your question. I wonder what was meant by the term “assault rifle.” How was it explained to the 70% of Americans who were polled and said they favored a ban? Was it explained at all? You see, as we have demonstrated, many Americans are ignorant about guns and are therefore easily swayed by scary words like “assault” and “bang.” I wonder if the person doing the poll spoke in a deep, scary voice when he said the word “assault.” Ass-ault! Don’t cry Charlie, stop shaking. See, fear-mongering from the left about guns can elicit a very emotional response from Americans who may mean well but just don’t know better.

Now that we have addressed the silliness of the assault weapons ban and the scare tactics employed by the left, I would like to point out something about our opponent in this race, Senator Obama.

Now, during his speech to the swooning masses at the DNC he said that there was no reason we cannot uphold the 2nd Amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands drug dealers. Aside from the fact that, despite Hollywood’s depictions, drug dealers do not commonly use AK-47s, Obama’s statement was more than a little disingenuous. In a “Political Courage” survey on candidates’ positions, Obama said he supports a “Ban on the sale or transfer of all forms of semi-automatic weapons.” The survey is available for all to see on votesmart.org. Notice how it says “weapons” and not “rifles.” This could potentially include the pistols and even some revolvers that many law-abiding Americans use to protect themselves and their families. Now I do not know what Senator Obama thinks, but that does not sound like “upholding the 2nd Amendment,” does it, Charlie?

Even more of a threat to our liberties is the Assault Weapons Ban and Law Enforcement Protection Act of 2007 or H.R. 1022. It was introduced last year and cosponsored by 66 democrats (and not a single republican). This fascist bill would not only ban all the weapons covered by the ridiculous Clinton ban, but it would add to that millions of guns which were modified to be in compliance with that ban.

This 2007 bill would ban:

- Common sporting rifles like the Ruger Mini 14 and Mini 30.

- All fixed-magazine, centerfire rifles which hold more that 10 rounds.

- All semi-automatic shotguns, which are widely used in trap shooting and hunting.

- All detachable-magazine semi-automatic rifles-including, for example, the ubiquitous Ruger 10/22 .22 rimfire.

- The three centerfire rifles most popular for marksmanship competitions: the Colt AR-15, the Springfield M1A and the M1 “Garand.”

Fortunately this bill died, and even if it had not, President Bush would have vetoed it. But I assure you, friends, that if Obama ends up in office the democrats will try again. They will not rest until they have implemented oppressive gun laws depriving Americans of their right to hunt, sport-shoot and defend themselves. They want American gun laws to rival those of Europe.


Do you think such oppressive gun laws are a good idea, Charlie? I can think of a few people who thought that total gun control was a good idea. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Castro come to mind. Now Senator Obama can add his name to that list.


We gun owners have a saying, “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.”


Assault weapons, and legally owned guns in general, are not a danger to Americans. Those scary features that frighten the ignorant about “assault” rifles do not make them more of a threat to law-abiding Americans. That is, unless you were to try and ban them. Then all those features may be a problem when you come and try to take our guns from us.


We gun owners have another saying. “You can have my guns, when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.”


That’s what I think about your poll, Charlie.

a life worth living for

about a week ago i realized at a deeper level that to simply want to follow after God and understand Him better is not good enough. i have to pursue it, i have to take action. and so i decided to start a study of Proverbs, and seek to understand better how to pursue God and live a life of wisdom and passion for Him.

it has been good. i am through the first two chapters and i feel heavy. because, i look back at my life and i realize i chose to miss the boat. i had the truth, and for whatever reason i chose to scoot it to the side in pursuit of myself.

so here i am now at the beginning of chapter three, and a thought jumped into my mind after reading verses one and two again:

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.

my mind jumps to a chapel that was done last week by one of Moody's past presidents, in which he spoke of aging well. he spoke of how he was on this talk show with a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi, and he was looked to for answering the main question. and it was this, that a resent poll done showed that those devout in their faith lived longer and healthier lives than those who were not devout. the host didnt buy it and wanted an answer.

the point that the past president made in his speech was basically this, that the key to longer, fuller, more meaningful life is devoutly and passionatly seeking after God and His Will, His commands.

i have to stop here. i want a longer, more meaningful life. if i am honest, i want to be prosperous. not financially nesicarily, but just in general. and i have noticed something looking back at my short life. the more i try to live this life after myself, the less prosperous i am and the more i hurt.

God lays it out clearly for us. apart from Him we find no rest. we find ultimate failure, a life that is pointless. but with Him, we find purpose. under His wings we find true joy, everlasting life, and prosperity in ways never thought of.

i want this. not for my benefit, but for those in my life. i have fallen a lot in life, and im sick of getting scrapped knees and bruised elbows. im sick of being in self-brought pain and failure. im sick of giving Satan a place in my life.

i want a life that is rich with God, and not just for myself. i want it for those in my life, for my future wife and family. for my friends. i want it for their sake. because lets face it, when we live for ourselves we do not just hurt ourselves.

words and elevators

i must be honest. the maturity level of many of the male students here at Moody Bible Institute simply amazes me. and I'm not talking about the freshman who just came from high school. I'm talking about the students who have been here for more than a year.

today, i heard several words that i would never had expected to hear from a Moody student, and they were said flippantly. now, i understand we all make mistakes, and with that note i recognize my imperfections. but when we do something or say something willingly, knowing the truth.....that bugs me. referring to one of your brothers in Christ as sexual cleaning utensil i think says a lot about your character.

but it doesn't stop there. lets talk about elevators, which is where the above incident happened. the elevators in our building stop at all floors between the basement and the 19th floor. it seems that there is this mentality between those of floors 5 and higher that they are more special then the rest of us when it comes to using the elevator.

and because of this superiority, they feel they have the right to ridicule and judge and name call those of us on floors 3 and 4 when we use the elevator. and this is what i have to say. if i can use the stairs, you can also. if me using the elevator makes it slower, does you using it not? i struggle to see the logic in this. why cant you walk to the 4th floor and use the elevator from there?

here is my point. they made the elevator stop at ALL the floors, not just 5 and up. so i and my floor mates have just as much right to its use as those on 5 and up. not to mention, i do pay to live here just like those on 5 and up. so grow up, act your age, and stop crying. stop name calling. we are not in junior high, we are adults. more than that WE ARE TO BE MEN OF GOD.

can we show a little more maturity?

brush strokes of life

today in one of my classes, we discussed the reason behind things happening in relation to who God is. it was quite fascinating really. my professor used the analogy of a large scale painting. when you stand back, you can take in the entire painting and see it in all of its beauty and glory, its perfection. but if you stand right in front of it, as if with your face against it, you see all the little brush strokes and splatters of paint within that little space. it is not beautiful, it does not seem good or perfect.

this is how we as humans look at things. we see the little brush strokes here and there, the splatters of paint. and to us it is confusing, almost ugly. but God in all of His awesome glory is standing out from the painting and looking upon it, taking it all in. His plan, divinely laid out, beautiful......perfect.

it reminds me of something i read in C.S. Lewis' book, "A Grief Observed" where he speaks of understanding his wife's death. and you know what he concluded? it is beyond his understanding.

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'

see, Lewis was confused and troubled by his wife's death, because all he was seeing was the brush strokes in the great painting. this is life, as my professor pointed out. this is us when tragedy strikes our lives. and then we think of Romans 8:28. see, Paul is speaking here of the grand painting. the perfect masterpiece, God's divine plan.

this hits home for me, especially lately, with some things not going the way i would have liked them to. nothing life threatening, but frustrating. and here i am reminded that i am not seeing the big picture, but the small brush strokes. but in the end, it will all work together for the good of those who love HIM.

the creative Lover

iv been reading this one book for one of my classes, and it deals with world view. it is a good book really. and last night i started on the second part in which the author discusses creation. perhaps i should back up and point out that the kind of world view he discusses is that of the Christian.

anyways, so i am reading, and reading, and reading......about creation. and im thinking, dude, creation is great and i believe it and all, can we move on? he continues to go into detail with the diversity of creation, throwing in a few rhymes that entertained me. but man was i getting tired of reading about creation.

and then i read this one part.

the author starts talking about the creativity of God the Father, and how we see it in creation. how He just thought of something and it came into being. and in this, we find love. a great love that has no end.

a ceaseless, creative love. i never thought of creation in this way, nor God. God and love, of course. but a creative love? wow. there is this part in the book where the author talks about how things constructed are not loved before they are constructed, but something that is created is.

something that is created is loved long before it is created.

it gives the idea of passion and care, not just a project. that is us, you and i. that is what we find around us, the trees and mountains, the animals and people. God has a crazy love for us, and it is creative not dull. it is passionate, not hasty. it reminds me of the Psalms, where it says "How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" (139:17). we are talking about the God of all eternity, and He is crazy about us. He created us with a creative love, and we see that in the diversity of us all. each person is unique, different from anyone else.

so next time you think about creation, next time you think about the Creator, remember He is first of all crazy about you. and secondly, he is a creative lover of His creation.

Coming alive, yet unworthy

iv been listening to a song by jeremy camp. it is called beyond measure, and it is beautiful. there is a line that he sings that says this,

"i come alive, when i've broken down and given You control"

this hit me this time listening. he also says this.

"but i know i wont find any worth apart from You"

think about that. he is not talking about another human, a person in his life here on earth. he is speaking of someone much greater than all this around us. the one true God. i have come to a recent conclusion that God is in the process of once again breaking me down and showing me that i am nothing without Him.

and here, one of my favorite songs plays when i need it most. pointing a truth out to me i have in the past failed to recognize. on my own, i am truly dead. but when i break, when i give this life up to the One who created it i come alive. i find purpose. a purpose that was given to me before i was shaped within my mother's womb.

another song plays where he sings,

"i am nothing without Your love"

how true, and what a reminder. i am nothing apart from Christ. and His death completes me, should i accept it. and i have. now, i must live it out.

Weeping Truth

a thought hit me this morning. it is simple i think, yet profound. i was siting in one of my classes this morning, and we were talking about issues that are facing our world today. abortion, social justice, etc......and we were asked to rank them by importance. we talked about the complexity and simplicity of issues. and Jesus.

and a thought hit me.

would i weep at a simple truth told to me by Jesus?

if Jesus were to look at me and speak a word of simple truth, would i break?

or would i go "huh, good point" and move on with my life as if i already knew it and just forgot until He said something? i realized this morning this is the attitude i often times have. and at the thought of the Lord of all that ever was, is and will be, telling me a simple truth my stomach turned. i pictured myself weeping like i never have in my life.

so i have to wonder, do we really know the truth about the issues? the simple truths? or do we make it all complex and then act like we have it all figured out, when really we are way off the mark?

would you weep at a simple truth?

Joy in the Toil

i stumbled upon a passage of Scripture this afternoon that has not let me go. the reason for this is simply because of the practicality of it in my life. today began a new school year, and as most people know about me, school is not my idea of enjoyment. sitting in classes all day, doing endless work for a letter ranging from an A to an F.....like i said, not my idea of fun. and thus, i am hooked on a passage of Ecclesiastes.

please, dont stop here.

grab a Bible and go read it yourself. start in chapter two, verse 17 and read through the end of the chapter. throughout this passage the writer, Solomon, speaks of toil, work, and how pointless it is. i have to admit, this is often the attitude i take with schooling. i love to learn, but i hate the work of school. but there is something Solomon points out towards the end, that i think we all need to be reminded of.

joy will only be found when we please God.

not just your normal, buy a new car joy, but a joy that is lasting and fulfilling.

see, one of the reasons Solomon began to despair over his toil was that he was more focused on himself. he was more concerned with what would happen to all of his efforts after he was gone, that they would all be taken by those who did nothing to gain them. this i believe is often the same mentality we have, more concerned with ourselves and our achievements. more concerned with those around us, and what they might do with our achievements. more concerned with the relevancy of what we study to what we will do in life.

here is our down fall.

and then, Solomon speaks some light. he points out in verse 25 that without God man cannot find enjoyment. that, without God, man will never find true joy. for it is, as he points out in the following verse, only found by pleasing God.

ah, the key.

joy is not found in the work itself, but in pleasing God by being faithful in our work.

after all, we are all going to die one day. it will all be forgotten here on the earth. but God remembers our faithfulness. God gives joy to those who please Him.

let us keep working with the true goal in mind.

A Trip of Life

my mind has been churning for a few weeks now. it has also been a while since i have written something. it is obvious to me now as i type, and my fingers struggle to find the right keys. but now i have something to write. something that has been churning i my mind and my heart for the last few weeks, and i now feel has become something worth writing.

a few weeks ago i spent a bit of time in a hospital. it was not for my sake, so i thought. nothing was wrong with my body, i was not there to receive treatment for anything. instead i was there with Amanda while her sister had surgery. but on one of the days we were there i saw something that i kept to myself, something that almost brought me to tears, and still does.

we think of bikers as big and tough, or at least i do. but on this day, as i stepped closer to the elevator to ride up to the room, i passed an older man dressed to ride a bike, long beard and mustache, wiping tears from his eyes. it was subtle, like a little prick of a small needle. like time froze and i heard a whisper. God was showing me something here, and He has to this day not left me alone about it.

i dont know what this man was crying over that day, but at that point i realized something i had never realized before. we as a people have hospitals for what? to cure and fix. but despite all our efforts and victories to make ourselves better, we will always be broken. we will always come to an end. it is part of our fall, part of being finite.

within the walls of hospitals we find life and death, victories and failures. but this is not the only thing i believe God was showing me, but a bridge to His point. a reminder of His calling in my life, if you will. no, He has not called me to be a doctor or work in a hospital, but He has called me to work with His people, and His creation. He has charged me with carrying forth a message of life to those who are broken and dieing.

see, we humans seem to have this idea that we can fix anything. that we can find a cure to fix us all. i see different. there is something about us, our brokenness that cannot and will never be fixed by anything we do. this is the point. since the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden, we have tried to find that cure, and God is telling us no. not that it cannot be found, but that it can not be found or achieved within us, by our own doing. our brokenness, our disease that all man carries can only be curred by Him, through His gift to us......Jesus. there is no other way, no other religion or person, except Jesus Christ.

this is the cure you will not find in a hospital. it is funny it took God getting me some 650 miles out of my comfort zone to open my eyes to this. that there is no amount of Bible reading or prayer or fellowship or anything else that can cure this sickness. though they help strengthen us, they are not the cure. i have to admit that this is what i have been wrestling with in my life as of late. and i feel God reminding me that it is not these things i should rely on to get me through, but Jesus Himself. it is not my prayers or my devotions that save me, it is He. and in realizing this fact, i must pursue these habits to grow stronger.

it has taken a few weeks; even now as i write this, things are coming together in my head. it is an issue of faith, one of trust. upon whom does my heart lie? myself, the things of this world? because if this is the case, my heart tells me i will find no peace, no true rest........no cure. but we have been offered something great, by one who Himself is the greatest. a gift that cures all brokenness. will you accept it?

will you take a trip of Life?

or maybe you are like me, you have taken the gift. maybe you are like me, and you have found yourself needing to re-examine where your heart lies. let us not put that off. for the longer we do so, the greater the distance becomes between us and He whom we should rest upon. this my friends, is a great tragedy i do not want to be a part of. let us take what we know in our heads, and place it in our hearts as well. let us take what we know in our hearts, and live it out amongst those who do and do not.

will you join me on this journey?

in Christ

i am sick today. i have been fighting a cold for the last few days, and last night it took me down. but i see the light. because of it though, i missed work today. and i miss it. it is funny, as frustrating as some of the campers can be, i still love them. as much as at some times i wish i could just strangle them (let's be honest here), deep down i want to see them live, grow and learn.

i dont feel i have really had the chance to reflect on this summer as of yet. and here i find that chance. i love it.sure, i dont enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and driving through peoria traffic every day, but when i step back and look at the big picture i smile. i really do love it.

and the kids. wow. you know how they say kids love stories???? do they ever. i can have a rowdy bunch of kids who wont listen, and as soon as i start telling a Bible story, 9 out of 10 are listening quietly. and they want more. i cant tell you how many opportunities i have had in the last four weeks to talk with campers about Jesus, the Bible and God. they want it, and a lot of them are jumping at the bit for it.

yesterday i started something new with the oldest group, and i think it fits nicely. they are the Romans, named after the book in the Bible. i began reading every morning and every afternoon before camp ended with reading Romans 12. i took the idea from my friend Eric Potter who i worked with last summer at a church, and we did it with the high school students. it is fitting i think, to remind ourselves of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.

i am excited for the rest of this summer, i really am. i have a few more weeks left to go, with a few off coming up. but one last thought. something that i have been chewing on the last 24 hours or so.

should we not all begin our days with reading something like Romans 12? a specific reminder to us each of what we are to be and do. not to neglect the rest of God's Word, but to include it in our regular devotions of the day. let us not forget who we are called to be and what we are capable of becoming in Christ.

An Impression

last night i spent some time in the book of Daniel. i have spent a lot of time in there this past year, and i intend to spend much more time there in the days to come.

i have said much about Daniel in several posts, but last night something stuck out to me i never noticed before.....something i find curious. i do not have an answer in stone to my question, but i have some thoughts i wish to share.

Among these were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:6

the part before this tells how king Neb captured several Israelites, and brought them back to his kingdom in Babylon. but some men were brought to be trained and serve in the court of the king.

do you see what caught my eye? i find it interesting that out of what must have been more than just a hand-full of men, only four are mentioned by name.

but why? the Scripture does not elaborate on this. but i have been thinking. thinking about all of the other times people are mentioned by name in Scripture compared to this time. and my mind rests on this: they stood out.

Daniel and his friends, who some might know better as Rack, Shack and Benny, made an impression that could not be over looked. they made an impression by following God. but more than this, by using the gifts God granted them. look at this.....

The king talked with them, and he found none more equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:19a

out of all the men trained to serve in his court, the king found none that compared to these four. and because of this they were granted much favor by the king.

i have to stop and think. if i were in a group of people and someone wrote a book about them, would my name be mentioned? more than that, would it be in a positive light? would i stand out in the crowd as a light to God?

would i make an impression?

Daniel and his friends did. they had rock solid character.....unshakable integrity.

do we have that?

redemption refreshing

it is late. i haven't been here in a while, and iv been missing it. there is so much that has been going on.

a gap i sense is closing. one between me and a friend. but not just any friend, one who i need more than anything else. He is bigger than any support group, smarter and wiser than any wise man, more loving than a mother or father.

God.

Abba Father.

over the last month or so i have noticed a gap between me and Him growing. not by His doing, but mine. it has been said before, and i agree, that as Christians we are never standing still. we are either moving forward or backwards.

forwards, or backwards.

there is no middle ground, no "safe zone". this sucks. no breaks it seems, at least for me. yet, there is a break, so it seems. the rest we gain from being completely consumed in His love. perhaps this does not make perfect sense here, i apologize. if only you could step into my mind.

tonight was my second of training for camp, and at the end we had a time of worship. i noticed at one point the drummer wipe a tear from his face. there was a song we sang, and before we sang the words laid on the screen. i read them, and i thought of God, giant before the earth, standing in a void consumed with His light. and in His hand was eternity. the master of all things, creator of Heaven and earth, Lord over all. this is the God i serve, and the God my heart longs for.

a great God.

i think of His love, and how He still calls me back to His side despite my screw-ups.

never changing, never ending.
His light will shine when all else fails.

i think of the times as of late when it seems like i was walking alone, feeling abandoned. there were people there, loved ones by my side. but there is a place in all of us that no one but God can fill......and it felt void of something. but in reality, it was not void, but filled. my God never departed from my side, but i from His. i turned my back, and He sought after me to return to Him.

this is a God of love, a God who never changes, but is constant. a God of love, mercy and grace, but also of Holy wrath, jealous of what is His, righteous in all that He does.

i have fallen....many times. and i stand back up again. i turn to Him. and with a weeping heart i reach.

knowing, a loving hand will grasp mine.

another end with a new beginning

today marks my last time in the house i have been living in for the past 8 months or so. it was my last day to ride Spokane Transite, and the last time to walk these streets. at least for a while. i know il be back, because i really do love it here. i couldnt live here, but i could visit.

the family here has been a blessing and a curse (sorry, mainly a curse). but the friends i have made here will carry through a life time. the time i have had to spend with Chris and Cathy, and their boys Drew and Caleb are memories that will last a life time. being a part of their life for almost a year has been amazing!

i love the kids, i love Chris and Cathy. i cannot wait to come back out and see them again when they are older! and Journey Fellowship has been an amazingly encouraging family away from home to me. i will truely miss these things, and will hold onto the memories that have been made.

but with an end comes a new beginning. thus is the wonderful circle of life! monday afternoon i will be boarding a plane to leave Spokane, Washington and head home to Peoria, Illinois. there waiting for me will be my mother, and the most amazing woman in my life, Amanda. i cannot even begin to describe how excited i am to get off the plane and see her!!!!

this summer is going to be packed. tuesday, i head to Moody in Chi-town for the day, and start working at monicals again on thursday. then the next monday Amanda and i head for her house in Kansas for a little bit, with a side trip to John Brown University in Arkansas for her. then we head back home and camp all summer. i am excited for this summer, and looking forward to next school year.

it is weird, i hate school. but next year i will be home for the first time in my college career. being able to come home here and there easy is going to be a huge plus and motivator.

i will miss many things here. REI is just down the road, and back home it is up by Chi-town. i probly wont get mooned by a drunk guy on the bus back home, and i wont get to see the mountains every morning. i will miss my friends here, but this is not the true end. not yet. i have much ahead of me i believe, and i am excited for it. so, here is to the end of something great and a new beginning.

it must be Spring

it must be that time of year here after all. i have been doubting a lot lately. one minute it is sunny out, the next it is freezing cold with rain or even snow. and yes, it is nearing the end of April like everywhere else in the world.

but, in spite of the ever changing and winter-like weather, i was convinced the other day that Spring has truly arrived.

i was standing next to my window looking outside as i talked to Amanda. and then it happened. something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, there in the trees. i stopped mid-sentence i believe, in shock at what i just witnessed. two birds mating. an interesting thing to observe, i might add.

but there you have it. a declaration Spring has finally, truly sprung. via birds mating.

a Beautiful Redemption

there is this song that has been playing what seems like more than usual on my computer. it is a song i have heard many times before, and really like. but as of late, i have really noticed the words of the song, particularly at the beginning. i want to share them with you.

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to deceive
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

the song is called "Beautiful Redemption", by Joy Williams. and i dont know, the words have really been hitting home as of late. perhaps because as i have mentioned before, im just coming out of this valley where it seemed like God wasnt there a lot. and i have seen that it was because of my pushing Him out, that it seemed this way.

here i am reminded, though i am filthy, dirty......even though im a Thomas, a Magdalene, and even a Judas......God still loves me. that never changes, for i am His child now. by the sacrifice of Christ, claimed as my own....i am His. i am a Beautiful Redemption, and He forgives me. His love is real, and i feel it. i see it. it is beautiful.

here is a reminder if you have been like me. doubting, perfumed, kissing, lying.....in Christ you are a Beautiful Redemption. never forget that.

love, hope, victory

i just got back from hanging out at the park. it is the first time i have gone there, and it is like 2 blocks away from me. i needed to get out, away from this box of a room. i needed to get outside, fresh air, God's creation.

i sat there, and saw a bee. it has been snowing off and on with rain for the last few weeks, and it seems like spring will never get here. but there was a bee.

hope.

of a future, of a victory. something i needed a reminder of. but something else happened. my intention was to sit there and listen to a sermon by rob bell, which i did. i left my cell phone here at the house, which was kinda hard to do honestly. but i sat there and listened to this sermon i had no idea about except for the title, and wow. he talked about Paul wrestling with whether it would be better to die or live and continue to be persecuted. how he dug deep, wrestled with his convictions and beliefs, against his emotions and feelings. he spoke a lot about doubts, and how we have to face them. it seems that, when we do face our doubts, when we do not allow them to just sit there and fester within us, they lose their power over us. this hit me. really hard. recently, if i am completely honest i have found myself doubting things. from the love of my God to the love of my girlfriend. if i am completely honest. so i sat there and thought for a few minutes. i thought of a Psalm i have wrestled with, where the writer gripes about the situation, questioning God's love, and then is reminded and encouraged by His proven track record. so i sat there and did that with my doubts. God has provided what i need without falling short. jobs, money, relationships, you name it. He has been there and still is. His love is real, and He proves it every day. the greatest proof is His gift to me on the cross. i have to ask myself now, how much proof do i need???? and Amanda, wow. her notes, her gifts, her hugs and kisses. her words of encouragement and comfort when i am down or frustrated. her love through forgiveness when i screw up. she has proven her love to me time and time again. so here i say to my doubts, the proof is overwhelming. the love is real, evident, true. there might be times when it seems missing, but it is not.

and rob said something else at the end that hit me as well.

he said something to the effect of, we often times let our emotions drive the bus. wow. i smiled. not a 'haha' smile, but a 'wow, you got me' smile. this has been me. i hate to say it, but my mom has pointed it out to me numerous times. and i have allowed these emotions with my doubt to drive me. it is the emotions brought by the doubt that i believe often cause me to not see the love that is really there. if i would only trust, if i would only look at the evidence, if i would only stand firm in my beliefs and convictions.....maybe i wouldn't hurt so much. maybe if i really let God have control instead of my emotions and doubts, id really find joy in the hard times. maybe i would smile more again. maybe, just maybe i would really see all of the love that surrounds me.

sitting in the park this afternoon, i began to see something i don't think i really have for a while. i am loved, there is hope, there is victory.

if only i ask

Last night I found myself in a place I have not been for some time. Depression, homesick, lonely, sad and sick all together. I cried last night in a way I have not for some time. My heart desired home, the familiar. It is something I have struggled with for the last several years at different times in my life.

I found myself last night desperately searching for comfort, and picked up my Bible. I just opened it up and landed in the book of Jeremiah, chapter 33, and without much thinking started to read what jumped out at me.

2“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it – the LORD is his name: 3‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”

My mind kept thinking about this all day. How I am so confused and often times don’t know what to say or do. I so often just jump in with my thoughts, and here it has hurt, it has caused a rift. I found myself last night crying out to God, in anger and distress, seeking knowledge and wisdom. I still don’t know if I have it, but I want it. To be the best person I need to be for her. The person God has called me to be.

See, God has the answers. Often times I think the reason we mess up so much, at least it is the case in my life, is that we don’t stop to seek His counsel. We fail to take a break from our busy lives and really search Him, bring before Him our issues and struggles, and ask Him for wisdom, knowledge, strength, courage……to ask Him for answers.

It has been said that the life of a Christian is constantly moving, either forwards or backwards. By no ones part other than my own, I have slipped backwards, and I want so desperately to be back where I was and even farther. Not to please anyone, not to say “look at me”, but because I know that when I am close to the heart of God I find true joy, peace and comfort, even if the situations that surround me suck.

God tells us to just ask Him. We see this again with Jesus in the New Testament, when we are told that upon asking we shall receive, and if we would only knock the door will be opened! I don’t know about you, but I look and think about Jesus’ words in a different light now than before after reading this passage in Jeremiah. I don’t know a lot. Honestly, that is hard for me to confess. I remember the first time I told Amanda “I don’t know” when she asked me something. I hated it. Call it a pride issue. But here I find it easy to put my pride aside. I see more clearly now that I am not the only one who does not know much, and that is ok.

God calls us, He invites us to seek Him. He invites us to trust Him. There is so much I want to know. What to say, when to say it, how to say it. And God simply says “Just ask me and I will answer you. Trust me.”

Father, help me to see and hear better. i am asking that you open my eyes, unplug my ears, help me hold my tongue when i need to.....to just listen. you have so much to say, and i am so quick to just blurt something out. you know my heart and my mind God, how i long to know so much. i ask that you would speak to me, guide me in all that i do, every interaction i have with those around me, and the ones i love. might you bring to light my insecurities, my hurts, and guide me in addressing them rightly. grant me Your strength, wisdom and knowledge. reignite the flame that has shrunk so much in my heart to a bright consuming blaze. speak to me i ask.

faith. trust.

iv been talking a lot as of late about trust...willing devotion to God. surrendering our wills to that of His. it is something that has been hitting me really hard lately, in art because lately i have really sucked at it. iv been drawn to the Psalms, and yet again i have been pushed, convicted, confronted, you name it....i have been challenged to search and dig.

i heard a sermon on this Psalm by Rob Bell once, and it has never left my mind....but, if i am completely honest i think it has my heart. turn to Psalm 77 and join me.

i remember Bell talking about the anger expressed by the Psalmist here, his frustration with God for His lack of action. verse 4 jumped out at me in relation to what the writer says in verses 7-9.

You keep my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

here we see that it was hard for the writer to find words to fully describe how he felt, despite the thoughts being there. wow. how often do i feel like that. i struggle to find the words to describe what is going on around me, and the thoughts running through my head.

even more in relation to verses 7-9, check out 11-12. see, in verses 7-9 the writer is not asking every day questions. he is really questioning God, His character, His very nature. this guy is obviously ticked off. but he made a choice.

remember
meditate
consider

what did he do these things with? the deeds, miracles, works.......not of man, but of God. the writer was faced with hardships, and yet he chose to look back at all that the LORD had done, and in that found hope.

then with that idea in mind, check out what he says in verses 16-18. here he speaks of the responses of creation in relation to Him, and they were extravagant, not simple. God is clearly sovereign over all these things. it is His hands, His Will that causes the winds to blow, the waves to crash, the thunder to crack, and the lightning to flash.

it seems to me that the Psalmist is painting us a picture of a great truth. not just in these verses, but through out the entire Psalm. if God, the Creator, is truly sovereign over creation.....is He not even more capable of providing for us? is He not worthy of our trust and devotion?

i had to do something after i read this. i wrote down different attributes of God, who He is.

full of love
always present everywhere
merciful and gracious
forgiving of His children
jealous of anything other than Him we give our devotion to
holy and pure
just
righteous
faithful
true
all knowing
the Creator
daddy and Father
constant
trustworthy
knows best for all
infinite, without beginning or end
all powerful

the list could go on and on. bottom line, we will never with our finite minds be able to fully comprehend or describe in full who He is. but one thing is clear....

He is more than capable.

the creator and controller of all that we see is fully capable of handling our lives. so what does this mean?

faith. trust. it is that simple. it is letting Him take control of all we have, all that we are. picture a little girl with her father. pure, un-doubting trust....it is that simple. it is not complex like i often make it in my life. it is simple. faith. trust.

my mind jumped to Psalm 51:17. God wants a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. it is that simple. it is us putting our wills and desires aside in turn for His. but it is not just trading wills and desires, it is completely trading seats. see, we often have the mindset of leading our lives. but God has something radically different in mind. it is He who leads, and us who follow.

faith. trust.

we have to realize that nothing we have is ours. it is His. we have to realize that whatever we do is destined for failure. but with Him leading, with us following His Will, nothing can stop us in the end. it reminds me of when Jesus spoke, that what is impossible with man is possible with God. but it takes more than just saying "yes LORD" also. it takes actively seeking Him and His Will for your life. it takes willingly giving up the drivers seat, and sliding over.

faith. trust.

He has proven Himself worthy time and time again, not that He ever needed to. the one who created you, who formed you in the womb and knows you better than you do yourself. the one who created all that we see and hear with His very Word....He is more than capable of leading you. all it takes is faith, trust. it is that simple.

My Deliverer

Turn to Psalm 116. Read the whole thing, and as usual....read it again. Don’t do a normal surface read either. Jump into it, go deep. Then continue here.

So many things just kept jumping out at me. I don’t know what it is, but for the last few days I have just been drawn to the Psalms. Before I found them boring, and in my mind though I knew many of them were songs of praise and out cry, I thought they had nothing to do with me. What could I learn from them??? But that has changed. I have been drawn to them, and the other night it hit me why. I have been struggling, fighting giving God the full reigns. Though I talk like I have, the brutal honest truth I don’t want to admit, is that I have not as of late. And I sit and read these Psalms, and I see myself....I hear myself crying out. In anguish, and in desperation to be back in right communion with God. To be the humble hearted man I have been called to be, willingly surrendering everything before God. Welcome to another part of my story.

5The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.

Stop. Read that again. Think about that. Who He is. Three characteristics that make up who He truly is, evident throughout Scripture and the experiences of His people.

Gracious.
Righteous.
Compassionate.

This is our God, the Creator of all that was, is, and shall be. Constant and never changing. But it gets better, way better.

6The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Did you catch that? Read that first line of verse six again, very slowly. The simplehearted….that which God protects. This fascinated me, and convicted me. What does that mean, and, am I that? See, what the Psalmist here is talking about is those who are simple, childlike in their faith. They trust God and depend on Him as a small child does his earthly father.

It is the ones who truly trust and depend in and on God that He protects. In the times of need, hurt and heart ache, God provides for them. I am convicted. I've said it many times as of late that I have failed in yielding my complete trust to Him. And I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be the simplehearted man of God, not just because of protection and what He will do, but because of what He has done for me already.

And verse seven just seems to highlight this for me. Don’t worry; be at rest because God will protect you. He has everything in control, and you know what? He is a God of compassion, full of it! He is gracious and righteous.....who better to trust than one who has a proven track record?

The Psalmist goes on to highlight some of the things God has been good in relation to. Death, tears, stumbling....hardship and heartache, and God has delivered our souls from this. Not that we will not encounter them, but that He will always be with us when we do. He is constant, ever present among His children.

Then this catches me. It seems that half way through the Psalms, the author often times changes in a sense the message. I couldn’t help my first thought after reading verse 12.....

How can I repay the LORD
for all His goodness to me?

There is nothing we can ever do that will come close to repay Him for what He has done for us. But then something clicked as I read the next few verses, the Psalmist’s response to his question.

13I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Acts of devotion. But not just simple acts. These were done willingly. Did you catch that??? Willingly....he was not forced to do them. He chose to praise and honor God by doing willing acts of devotion.

I have to stop here. I think of us as a Church. We praise God, oh yeah. But is it really a willing act? Or is it more something we do to fit in? We see everyone else doing it, and we don’t want to be the odd ball, so we do it too. Or, we just think we should, so we do. That is not willingness, not even close. Why do we do this? Why do we feel like we have to so much? Now don’t hear me say stop doing it, but check your reasons. Are they pure? Are they God centered and based on a simplehearted willingness to praise God for what He has done?

Or is it just a motion to go through?

We see it hit upon again in verses 17-19.....maybe we should seriously rethink why we worship, why we praise. And what our motivation for doing so is. It seemed serious to the Psalmist....perhaps we should take serious note.

Jump back, verse 15. Man, this like jumped off the pages at me.

15Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

Snap. What does this mean, my mind raced. My mind jumped to this thought, that God rejoices when someone dies in His name willingly. Not that He rejoices because someone died and the pain felt by others, but that they come home to Him. More than that though, that they stand firm in the faith they claim, they die for His name. The saints, those faithfully devoted to Him, He loves and watches over, and rejoices when they come home to Him.

Think of that, and read verse 16 again. It seems as if the Psalmist is identifying himself with those willing to die. He is devoted to his God, willing to die for Him. But more than this, he acknowledges the redemptive power of God. Freeing him from his chains, and because of this he willingly wants to serve this great God.

I am challenged here. And I pray you are too. To recognize who God is, and in that what He has done. I am convicted, for it has been long since I have done this. Acknowledging who He is, and what He has done for me. I see it again, and I am falling in love all over again. A love that drives me to serve Him. A love that desires a simple heart. A love that seeks to willingly serve a great God. The One spoken of in the Psalms....might you be challenged as well.

Search me, Know me

Psalm 139. you should read it. and then read it again. and then, read it again. slowly.

i recommend a few highlighters and pens as well.

i have been hooked on it for the last several hours. just reading over it one line at a time. it fascinates me how brutally open the Psalmist is here, wanting God to search Him, and realizing that it is inescapable.

like really, there is no way to escape it....no where to go.

8If i go up to the heavens, you are there;
if i make me bed in the depths, you are there.

and in verse 10, he further emphasizes this.....that God is inescapable. His supervision is inescapable.

the detail the Psalmist goes into blows my mind. in verse 13 he starts talking about his very being, and how God knows his "innermost being", because He created it. his innermost being.....wow. the very center of our emotions, our feelings of wrong and right.......God knows this very part of us better than we do our selves because He made them.

but it gets better.

check out verse 15 here. the depths of the earth, here he speaks of the womb. it is here that we are woven together, where we are made and formed.

this whole Psalm is one of brutal honest out cry it seems to me, of acknowledging the truth of our creation by the one true Creator, and the truth of the inescapable presence of Him. and with that, willingly seeking that He search us, that He make Him self known to us. that He bring to the surface any offense we have committed.

a willing offering of repentance. might this be our prayer, on our knees before the throne of God. this is what it speaks to me. to the One who holds my life, who ordained all of my days before i was even formed. i ask that He who knows me better than i know myself, search me....test me. that He would know my heart and my thoughts, and bring to my attention any offense i have committed that i might repent of it before Him.

and in doing so, i might stand up humbly and walk in His light. the light which He shines before me, after me, all around me.

Stripping

i don't know. i just feel like there is all of this junk in me lately. stuff from past and present. anxiousness, anger, disappointment, guilt, you name it......i probably have some of it. and i don't want it. i just got done reading a friends blog, where he talks about Adam and Eve after being created, and how they stood....

...naked and unashamed.

he goes on to talk about what this means for us, how there is a timeless truth contained in all of the verses that make up Scripture, God's Word. and here we see one about being real. it feels so long since i have been there. and i long for it. i want to let all of my junk out. but here is not the place for it all.

i feel like i have been wearing a mask, and as of late it has begun to fall apart. it is funny how that seems to happen....i credit it to God. today, i feel like mine just feel off. i sat in chapel during the music and kinda felt out of place, but it felt right at the same time. i felt naked, i felt real......and it didn't bother me. i thought about the crap i have done, the mistakes i have made, the things that have let my God down.....and things started to click in my head. iv been living for me, and saying the opposite.

so here i am. i guess this is saying to myself in some way, I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done walking my way and saying it is His. I'm ready to just let go, to throw i the towel for real this time. I'm ready to trust whole-hearted. and i cant do it on my own. God, you have shown this to me time and time and time and time again. and i don't want to be shown again. i don't want the pain, the guilt....i don't want any of it. it is time i fully realize this "life" is not mine.

i read a part of Psalm 139 this afternoon, and i stopped after a few verses i was so taken back. you know that feeling of tears coming? your heart is wrenched, and it hurts to just swallow? i have always known nothing i do escapes the eyes of God. but something happens to me when i read His Word that says this.

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

all of my junk is known. all the things i did knowing i shouldn't, giving into my desires and what i wanted instead of heeding God. He knows.

it is funny to me when God smacks me, as i like to think of it. it is firm, yet loving. i kept reading a little more and i stopped at this...

Where can i go from your Spirit?
Where can i flee from your presence?
If i go to the heavens, you are there;
if i make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was taken back. my mind races still, as this thought moves from my head to my heart.....no matter how far i stray, God will always be there ready to lead me. no matter what i do or say, He hears. i think of this saying i saw at a friends house not to long ago. it said something like, Jesus Christ is the silent guest at every meal, the silent listener in every conversation....He is there, everywhere. and He knows all that we have done, are doing, and will do.

nothing i say or do is inescapable from Him. i have made some big mistakes in my short life, some even recently. things i look back at and know i was choosing to not listen to God. and i read this. i am reminded. my eyes are opened, and i don't want them to close again.

God, let your piercing light drive the darkness away from me. let Your holiness consume all of me, Your Spirit taking control of my life, Your Will replacing mine when faced with temptations of all kinds. let me never think "no one knows", for You are always present. next to me in the day, watching over me as i lay. let this life truly be Yours, surrendered to Your Will.