marriage equals humbling

it has been just over one year and two months since amanda and i were married. it has been a rough year with many obsticals, surprises and everything between. but in the end we have grown closer together, and our love has grown deeper. as i process some of those events and trials, i plan to write more. but for now i want to meditate on a verse i read again today.

1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?

i read this in James 4 this evening, and i could not help but think of my marriage. i have encountered many people over the last year, whether it be by their words or just through interactions with them, that seem to think amanda and i have things all figured out. and as much as i would love to say yes we do, there is so much more we have to learn.

there is so much more i have to learn.

that we do not fight and bicker in public does not mean that this does not take place at times within our home. it does. pastor hauter told us that conflict is inevitable, combat is optional. how we react to the conflicts we face every day is up to us. we make the choices and have to live with the consequences. and how often do we fight because of the desires within us?

how often is it because of selfishness on our part?

it hurts and yet is relieving to say, much of what i argue about and get upset over is rooted in selfishness. i struggle with placing my wife over my own desires. i struggle with loving her more than myself. i struggle with laying my passions and desires, wants and needs, my selfishness aside and instead place hers at the top of my priorities.

and this is a problem. a BIG problem. this selfishness is completely contradictory to what i am commanded to do. Paul commands husbands to "...love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself" (Ephesians 5:25-28). to love my wife as i am supposed to i must put aside my selfishness.

and that is not easy. temptation in every form creeps up quickly, Satan is sly in his tactics. But he is no match for God! Jesus told His disciples that with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). we, as man, are wicked sinners incapable of pleasing God, let alone fixing our own problem. and that is a hard pill to swallow. i am a fixer, just ask my wife. and it kills me when i cannot fix something. but that is the truth. no matter how hard we try, completeness is unattainable on our own. apart from God, nothing can be made right. and apart from God, our passions and desires cannot be overcome.

it is He who holds the power. it is by His spirit in His children we become conquerors. and it is by His Son, the Christ Jesus, that we can have that Spirit of God. It is mercy and grace that allows us to be made humble and accept Christ as the King of our life. and it is by those means also that as His children, we can overcome our selfishness and love our wife as she should be.

an endless seeking

once again i find that it has been some time since i have last written much of anything. my desire to write more and more seems to vanish quicker and quicker as time progresses and "life" takes over. like so many other things held so dear, i continue to need to fight to make time for writing.

and here i am sick, home instead of work, mulling over recent past events. so much has happened in the short span of time since last writing. new jobs, new place to live, new dog, soon to be new bunnies, and as always, new problems and accusations.

but something seems to come up with every problem we have encountered. not so much a phrase, but a point. that is, you have to do things for yourself. you have to provide for yourself. you have to figure everything out for yourself. you, you, you. and yet, Scripture tells me the exact opposite.

God, God, God.

it makes me sick to see so many people call themselves followers of Christ, and yet are blindly enslaved to the worlds ideas that God does not care about you. that instead of trusting God to provide for our every need as He has promised, we should instead fight for all of these things we "deserve" on our own.

17Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

this is from 1 Timothy, where Paul tells Timothy that this life is not about cars and money and big houses. it is not about getting everything that this world has to offer. you see those things pass away, they do not last. so why put your hope, your faith in them? Jesus said something similar as recorded in the gospel of Luke,

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

our focus should not be on us. our focus should not be on fulfilling all of our needs ourselves. truth is, no matter how hard we try, we will never succeed. we will always be short a buck, and thinking a newer house or car would make us happier. it makes me wonder, should our needs even be of concern to us? Jesus said not to worry about them. Jesus said that they would be provided for by the Father. all we have to do is seek His kingdom. all we have to do is follow Him.

it seems to be an issue of trust at the core. do we trust ourselves, or God? the first appears to be easier than the latter. i find it interesting that trusting in the intangible is often times difficult for people, yet it is what we are commanded to do. though, i am sure that the intangible is real; i am sure that the God of the Bible is real, alive, presence with me right now. i have seen His mighty hand provide for my wife and i over and over and over again. without fail, when it appears that we just wont make it, He shows up. when all the critics told us we would never find jobs and should just settle with fast food work, God provided amazing jobs for both of us. when the critics told us we should just settle with government housing, God opened the door for us to rent a house and bring our three dogs at an affordable price and in a safe community. when the critics told us that God only helps those who help themselves, we stood back and looked to God. and you know what?

HE showed up, mightily.

it is not that we are to be lazy. we are not commanded to sit around and do nothing, waiting for God to do everything. the point is, where is your trust? is it in yourself, or in God?

He knows what i need, when i need it, before i ever think about it. and i know, by His word, that He will be faithful to provide. all i have to do, is trust and seek Him. seek His kingdom. not my own, not myself.

after all,
HE is God, not i.