it must be Spring

it must be that time of year here after all. i have been doubting a lot lately. one minute it is sunny out, the next it is freezing cold with rain or even snow. and yes, it is nearing the end of April like everywhere else in the world.

but, in spite of the ever changing and winter-like weather, i was convinced the other day that Spring has truly arrived.

i was standing next to my window looking outside as i talked to Amanda. and then it happened. something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, there in the trees. i stopped mid-sentence i believe, in shock at what i just witnessed. two birds mating. an interesting thing to observe, i might add.

but there you have it. a declaration Spring has finally, truly sprung. via birds mating.

a Beautiful Redemption

there is this song that has been playing what seems like more than usual on my computer. it is a song i have heard many times before, and really like. but as of late, i have really noticed the words of the song, particularly at the beginning. i want to share them with you.

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to deceive
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

the song is called "Beautiful Redemption", by Joy Williams. and i dont know, the words have really been hitting home as of late. perhaps because as i have mentioned before, im just coming out of this valley where it seemed like God wasnt there a lot. and i have seen that it was because of my pushing Him out, that it seemed this way.

here i am reminded, though i am filthy, dirty......even though im a Thomas, a Magdalene, and even a Judas......God still loves me. that never changes, for i am His child now. by the sacrifice of Christ, claimed as my own....i am His. i am a Beautiful Redemption, and He forgives me. His love is real, and i feel it. i see it. it is beautiful.

here is a reminder if you have been like me. doubting, perfumed, kissing, lying.....in Christ you are a Beautiful Redemption. never forget that.

love, hope, victory

i just got back from hanging out at the park. it is the first time i have gone there, and it is like 2 blocks away from me. i needed to get out, away from this box of a room. i needed to get outside, fresh air, God's creation.

i sat there, and saw a bee. it has been snowing off and on with rain for the last few weeks, and it seems like spring will never get here. but there was a bee.

hope.

of a future, of a victory. something i needed a reminder of. but something else happened. my intention was to sit there and listen to a sermon by rob bell, which i did. i left my cell phone here at the house, which was kinda hard to do honestly. but i sat there and listened to this sermon i had no idea about except for the title, and wow. he talked about Paul wrestling with whether it would be better to die or live and continue to be persecuted. how he dug deep, wrestled with his convictions and beliefs, against his emotions and feelings. he spoke a lot about doubts, and how we have to face them. it seems that, when we do face our doubts, when we do not allow them to just sit there and fester within us, they lose their power over us. this hit me. really hard. recently, if i am completely honest i have found myself doubting things. from the love of my God to the love of my girlfriend. if i am completely honest. so i sat there and thought for a few minutes. i thought of a Psalm i have wrestled with, where the writer gripes about the situation, questioning God's love, and then is reminded and encouraged by His proven track record. so i sat there and did that with my doubts. God has provided what i need without falling short. jobs, money, relationships, you name it. He has been there and still is. His love is real, and He proves it every day. the greatest proof is His gift to me on the cross. i have to ask myself now, how much proof do i need???? and Amanda, wow. her notes, her gifts, her hugs and kisses. her words of encouragement and comfort when i am down or frustrated. her love through forgiveness when i screw up. she has proven her love to me time and time again. so here i say to my doubts, the proof is overwhelming. the love is real, evident, true. there might be times when it seems missing, but it is not.

and rob said something else at the end that hit me as well.

he said something to the effect of, we often times let our emotions drive the bus. wow. i smiled. not a 'haha' smile, but a 'wow, you got me' smile. this has been me. i hate to say it, but my mom has pointed it out to me numerous times. and i have allowed these emotions with my doubt to drive me. it is the emotions brought by the doubt that i believe often cause me to not see the love that is really there. if i would only trust, if i would only look at the evidence, if i would only stand firm in my beliefs and convictions.....maybe i wouldn't hurt so much. maybe if i really let God have control instead of my emotions and doubts, id really find joy in the hard times. maybe i would smile more again. maybe, just maybe i would really see all of the love that surrounds me.

sitting in the park this afternoon, i began to see something i don't think i really have for a while. i am loved, there is hope, there is victory.

if only i ask

Last night I found myself in a place I have not been for some time. Depression, homesick, lonely, sad and sick all together. I cried last night in a way I have not for some time. My heart desired home, the familiar. It is something I have struggled with for the last several years at different times in my life.

I found myself last night desperately searching for comfort, and picked up my Bible. I just opened it up and landed in the book of Jeremiah, chapter 33, and without much thinking started to read what jumped out at me.

2“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it – the LORD is his name: 3‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”

My mind kept thinking about this all day. How I am so confused and often times don’t know what to say or do. I so often just jump in with my thoughts, and here it has hurt, it has caused a rift. I found myself last night crying out to God, in anger and distress, seeking knowledge and wisdom. I still don’t know if I have it, but I want it. To be the best person I need to be for her. The person God has called me to be.

See, God has the answers. Often times I think the reason we mess up so much, at least it is the case in my life, is that we don’t stop to seek His counsel. We fail to take a break from our busy lives and really search Him, bring before Him our issues and struggles, and ask Him for wisdom, knowledge, strength, courage……to ask Him for answers.

It has been said that the life of a Christian is constantly moving, either forwards or backwards. By no ones part other than my own, I have slipped backwards, and I want so desperately to be back where I was and even farther. Not to please anyone, not to say “look at me”, but because I know that when I am close to the heart of God I find true joy, peace and comfort, even if the situations that surround me suck.

God tells us to just ask Him. We see this again with Jesus in the New Testament, when we are told that upon asking we shall receive, and if we would only knock the door will be opened! I don’t know about you, but I look and think about Jesus’ words in a different light now than before after reading this passage in Jeremiah. I don’t know a lot. Honestly, that is hard for me to confess. I remember the first time I told Amanda “I don’t know” when she asked me something. I hated it. Call it a pride issue. But here I find it easy to put my pride aside. I see more clearly now that I am not the only one who does not know much, and that is ok.

God calls us, He invites us to seek Him. He invites us to trust Him. There is so much I want to know. What to say, when to say it, how to say it. And God simply says “Just ask me and I will answer you. Trust me.”

Father, help me to see and hear better. i am asking that you open my eyes, unplug my ears, help me hold my tongue when i need to.....to just listen. you have so much to say, and i am so quick to just blurt something out. you know my heart and my mind God, how i long to know so much. i ask that you would speak to me, guide me in all that i do, every interaction i have with those around me, and the ones i love. might you bring to light my insecurities, my hurts, and guide me in addressing them rightly. grant me Your strength, wisdom and knowledge. reignite the flame that has shrunk so much in my heart to a bright consuming blaze. speak to me i ask.

faith. trust.

iv been talking a lot as of late about trust...willing devotion to God. surrendering our wills to that of His. it is something that has been hitting me really hard lately, in art because lately i have really sucked at it. iv been drawn to the Psalms, and yet again i have been pushed, convicted, confronted, you name it....i have been challenged to search and dig.

i heard a sermon on this Psalm by Rob Bell once, and it has never left my mind....but, if i am completely honest i think it has my heart. turn to Psalm 77 and join me.

i remember Bell talking about the anger expressed by the Psalmist here, his frustration with God for His lack of action. verse 4 jumped out at me in relation to what the writer says in verses 7-9.

You keep my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

here we see that it was hard for the writer to find words to fully describe how he felt, despite the thoughts being there. wow. how often do i feel like that. i struggle to find the words to describe what is going on around me, and the thoughts running through my head.

even more in relation to verses 7-9, check out 11-12. see, in verses 7-9 the writer is not asking every day questions. he is really questioning God, His character, His very nature. this guy is obviously ticked off. but he made a choice.

remember
meditate
consider

what did he do these things with? the deeds, miracles, works.......not of man, but of God. the writer was faced with hardships, and yet he chose to look back at all that the LORD had done, and in that found hope.

then with that idea in mind, check out what he says in verses 16-18. here he speaks of the responses of creation in relation to Him, and they were extravagant, not simple. God is clearly sovereign over all these things. it is His hands, His Will that causes the winds to blow, the waves to crash, the thunder to crack, and the lightning to flash.

it seems to me that the Psalmist is painting us a picture of a great truth. not just in these verses, but through out the entire Psalm. if God, the Creator, is truly sovereign over creation.....is He not even more capable of providing for us? is He not worthy of our trust and devotion?

i had to do something after i read this. i wrote down different attributes of God, who He is.

full of love
always present everywhere
merciful and gracious
forgiving of His children
jealous of anything other than Him we give our devotion to
holy and pure
just
righteous
faithful
true
all knowing
the Creator
daddy and Father
constant
trustworthy
knows best for all
infinite, without beginning or end
all powerful

the list could go on and on. bottom line, we will never with our finite minds be able to fully comprehend or describe in full who He is. but one thing is clear....

He is more than capable.

the creator and controller of all that we see is fully capable of handling our lives. so what does this mean?

faith. trust. it is that simple. it is letting Him take control of all we have, all that we are. picture a little girl with her father. pure, un-doubting trust....it is that simple. it is not complex like i often make it in my life. it is simple. faith. trust.

my mind jumped to Psalm 51:17. God wants a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. it is that simple. it is us putting our wills and desires aside in turn for His. but it is not just trading wills and desires, it is completely trading seats. see, we often have the mindset of leading our lives. but God has something radically different in mind. it is He who leads, and us who follow.

faith. trust.

we have to realize that nothing we have is ours. it is His. we have to realize that whatever we do is destined for failure. but with Him leading, with us following His Will, nothing can stop us in the end. it reminds me of when Jesus spoke, that what is impossible with man is possible with God. but it takes more than just saying "yes LORD" also. it takes actively seeking Him and His Will for your life. it takes willingly giving up the drivers seat, and sliding over.

faith. trust.

He has proven Himself worthy time and time again, not that He ever needed to. the one who created you, who formed you in the womb and knows you better than you do yourself. the one who created all that we see and hear with His very Word....He is more than capable of leading you. all it takes is faith, trust. it is that simple.

My Deliverer

Turn to Psalm 116. Read the whole thing, and as usual....read it again. Don’t do a normal surface read either. Jump into it, go deep. Then continue here.

So many things just kept jumping out at me. I don’t know what it is, but for the last few days I have just been drawn to the Psalms. Before I found them boring, and in my mind though I knew many of them were songs of praise and out cry, I thought they had nothing to do with me. What could I learn from them??? But that has changed. I have been drawn to them, and the other night it hit me why. I have been struggling, fighting giving God the full reigns. Though I talk like I have, the brutal honest truth I don’t want to admit, is that I have not as of late. And I sit and read these Psalms, and I see myself....I hear myself crying out. In anguish, and in desperation to be back in right communion with God. To be the humble hearted man I have been called to be, willingly surrendering everything before God. Welcome to another part of my story.

5The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.

Stop. Read that again. Think about that. Who He is. Three characteristics that make up who He truly is, evident throughout Scripture and the experiences of His people.

Gracious.
Righteous.
Compassionate.

This is our God, the Creator of all that was, is, and shall be. Constant and never changing. But it gets better, way better.

6The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Did you catch that? Read that first line of verse six again, very slowly. The simplehearted….that which God protects. This fascinated me, and convicted me. What does that mean, and, am I that? See, what the Psalmist here is talking about is those who are simple, childlike in their faith. They trust God and depend on Him as a small child does his earthly father.

It is the ones who truly trust and depend in and on God that He protects. In the times of need, hurt and heart ache, God provides for them. I am convicted. I've said it many times as of late that I have failed in yielding my complete trust to Him. And I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be the simplehearted man of God, not just because of protection and what He will do, but because of what He has done for me already.

And verse seven just seems to highlight this for me. Don’t worry; be at rest because God will protect you. He has everything in control, and you know what? He is a God of compassion, full of it! He is gracious and righteous.....who better to trust than one who has a proven track record?

The Psalmist goes on to highlight some of the things God has been good in relation to. Death, tears, stumbling....hardship and heartache, and God has delivered our souls from this. Not that we will not encounter them, but that He will always be with us when we do. He is constant, ever present among His children.

Then this catches me. It seems that half way through the Psalms, the author often times changes in a sense the message. I couldn’t help my first thought after reading verse 12.....

How can I repay the LORD
for all His goodness to me?

There is nothing we can ever do that will come close to repay Him for what He has done for us. But then something clicked as I read the next few verses, the Psalmist’s response to his question.

13I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Acts of devotion. But not just simple acts. These were done willingly. Did you catch that??? Willingly....he was not forced to do them. He chose to praise and honor God by doing willing acts of devotion.

I have to stop here. I think of us as a Church. We praise God, oh yeah. But is it really a willing act? Or is it more something we do to fit in? We see everyone else doing it, and we don’t want to be the odd ball, so we do it too. Or, we just think we should, so we do. That is not willingness, not even close. Why do we do this? Why do we feel like we have to so much? Now don’t hear me say stop doing it, but check your reasons. Are they pure? Are they God centered and based on a simplehearted willingness to praise God for what He has done?

Or is it just a motion to go through?

We see it hit upon again in verses 17-19.....maybe we should seriously rethink why we worship, why we praise. And what our motivation for doing so is. It seemed serious to the Psalmist....perhaps we should take serious note.

Jump back, verse 15. Man, this like jumped off the pages at me.

15Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

Snap. What does this mean, my mind raced. My mind jumped to this thought, that God rejoices when someone dies in His name willingly. Not that He rejoices because someone died and the pain felt by others, but that they come home to Him. More than that though, that they stand firm in the faith they claim, they die for His name. The saints, those faithfully devoted to Him, He loves and watches over, and rejoices when they come home to Him.

Think of that, and read verse 16 again. It seems as if the Psalmist is identifying himself with those willing to die. He is devoted to his God, willing to die for Him. But more than this, he acknowledges the redemptive power of God. Freeing him from his chains, and because of this he willingly wants to serve this great God.

I am challenged here. And I pray you are too. To recognize who God is, and in that what He has done. I am convicted, for it has been long since I have done this. Acknowledging who He is, and what He has done for me. I see it again, and I am falling in love all over again. A love that drives me to serve Him. A love that desires a simple heart. A love that seeks to willingly serve a great God. The One spoken of in the Psalms....might you be challenged as well.

Search me, Know me

Psalm 139. you should read it. and then read it again. and then, read it again. slowly.

i recommend a few highlighters and pens as well.

i have been hooked on it for the last several hours. just reading over it one line at a time. it fascinates me how brutally open the Psalmist is here, wanting God to search Him, and realizing that it is inescapable.

like really, there is no way to escape it....no where to go.

8If i go up to the heavens, you are there;
if i make me bed in the depths, you are there.

and in verse 10, he further emphasizes this.....that God is inescapable. His supervision is inescapable.

the detail the Psalmist goes into blows my mind. in verse 13 he starts talking about his very being, and how God knows his "innermost being", because He created it. his innermost being.....wow. the very center of our emotions, our feelings of wrong and right.......God knows this very part of us better than we do our selves because He made them.

but it gets better.

check out verse 15 here. the depths of the earth, here he speaks of the womb. it is here that we are woven together, where we are made and formed.

this whole Psalm is one of brutal honest out cry it seems to me, of acknowledging the truth of our creation by the one true Creator, and the truth of the inescapable presence of Him. and with that, willingly seeking that He search us, that He make Him self known to us. that He bring to the surface any offense we have committed.

a willing offering of repentance. might this be our prayer, on our knees before the throne of God. this is what it speaks to me. to the One who holds my life, who ordained all of my days before i was even formed. i ask that He who knows me better than i know myself, search me....test me. that He would know my heart and my thoughts, and bring to my attention any offense i have committed that i might repent of it before Him.

and in doing so, i might stand up humbly and walk in His light. the light which He shines before me, after me, all around me.

Stripping

i don't know. i just feel like there is all of this junk in me lately. stuff from past and present. anxiousness, anger, disappointment, guilt, you name it......i probably have some of it. and i don't want it. i just got done reading a friends blog, where he talks about Adam and Eve after being created, and how they stood....

...naked and unashamed.

he goes on to talk about what this means for us, how there is a timeless truth contained in all of the verses that make up Scripture, God's Word. and here we see one about being real. it feels so long since i have been there. and i long for it. i want to let all of my junk out. but here is not the place for it all.

i feel like i have been wearing a mask, and as of late it has begun to fall apart. it is funny how that seems to happen....i credit it to God. today, i feel like mine just feel off. i sat in chapel during the music and kinda felt out of place, but it felt right at the same time. i felt naked, i felt real......and it didn't bother me. i thought about the crap i have done, the mistakes i have made, the things that have let my God down.....and things started to click in my head. iv been living for me, and saying the opposite.

so here i am. i guess this is saying to myself in some way, I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done walking my way and saying it is His. I'm ready to just let go, to throw i the towel for real this time. I'm ready to trust whole-hearted. and i cant do it on my own. God, you have shown this to me time and time and time and time again. and i don't want to be shown again. i don't want the pain, the guilt....i don't want any of it. it is time i fully realize this "life" is not mine.

i read a part of Psalm 139 this afternoon, and i stopped after a few verses i was so taken back. you know that feeling of tears coming? your heart is wrenched, and it hurts to just swallow? i have always known nothing i do escapes the eyes of God. but something happens to me when i read His Word that says this.

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

all of my junk is known. all the things i did knowing i shouldn't, giving into my desires and what i wanted instead of heeding God. He knows.

it is funny to me when God smacks me, as i like to think of it. it is firm, yet loving. i kept reading a little more and i stopped at this...

Where can i go from your Spirit?
Where can i flee from your presence?
If i go to the heavens, you are there;
if i make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was taken back. my mind races still, as this thought moves from my head to my heart.....no matter how far i stray, God will always be there ready to lead me. no matter what i do or say, He hears. i think of this saying i saw at a friends house not to long ago. it said something like, Jesus Christ is the silent guest at every meal, the silent listener in every conversation....He is there, everywhere. and He knows all that we have done, are doing, and will do.

nothing i say or do is inescapable from Him. i have made some big mistakes in my short life, some even recently. things i look back at and know i was choosing to not listen to God. and i read this. i am reminded. my eyes are opened, and i don't want them to close again.

God, let your piercing light drive the darkness away from me. let Your holiness consume all of me, Your Spirit taking control of my life, Your Will replacing mine when faced with temptations of all kinds. let me never think "no one knows", for You are always present. next to me in the day, watching over me as i lay. let this life truly be Yours, surrendered to Your Will.

The Fall of Trust

Every day at the bus plaza, I go up the escalator. And between the up and down one, is a water fall, and the water runs down a face of rock, following its predestined path by the shape of the rock laid before it.

I have passed by this for almost seven months now, without batting an eye. But something happened today that made me look at it differently, that really made me notice the significance of what was happening.

Chapel, today at school. Our guest speaker was a local pastor. I knew I would like him right off the bat...he was wearing a green dress shirt. My kind of guy. Not that I base my like or dislike of a person based on their choice of clothing, but this time I was right on. He spoke boldly the message of the Gospel, and he pointed something out that really convicted me.

It is none of your business figuring out what you are supposed to do with your life, it is God’s.

Wow. This hurt. Why? It finally clicked in my head, for the last several weeks I have been trying to do everything on my own. Amanda said something to me last night that now comes back to mind, and I think what I told her was wrong. She asked me if my confidence was really in God, or if I was just using Him as a shield.

I have to admit, He has been a shield for me to hide behind for some time as of late. I have been trying so hard to figure things out on my own, saying I am trusting God…..and I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing I can turn back to and say to myself, “yeah I let God handle that because I wanted to”.

So here I am, finally feeling like my eyes have been opened again. the crust has been broken, and swept away. I am sick of feeling like this, being a pew sitter in my Spiritual life. The sad thing is, from what I can tell, I have worn a well fabricated mask around most people. but I don’t want that anymore. I want to be who I was created to be, a servant and lover of the one true God. I don’t want to decide what to do with my life anymore. I want to be like the water that flows down the fall in the bus plaza, and follow the predestined outline....but the kool part about mine is that I don’t have a clue what it is!!! Only God in all His sovereignty does. It comes down to trust. Something I have wrestled with for some time now behind closed doors. Trusting He will really provide, that He will really lead and guide me. And coming to the realization that it is not about me at all. It is about God, and His glory. I am only a vessel. I am only the branch that bears the fruit produced by the vine.

It is time for me to yield myself fully, to trust completely. And not just leave it at words, but to follow it with actions in this life I have been granted. I have no clue what I am going to do with it, except what God tells me. And honestly, I like it that way…..not knowing. Because God does, and that is more than good enough.