painful connection

for the last two years almost, i have had the privilege of volunteering with the ems department in our town. and through this experience i have witnessed the gamut of emotions displayed by family members as they watch often times helplessly their loved ones suffer. this has always struck at my heart. growing up in high school and thinking about what i would do with my life, i remember my mom encouraging me to go into nursing; i had the heart for it she claimed. and isn't it funny, that though it was not the direction i wanted or felt called to, God has incorporated it into my life.

i always heard how strong the love of a parent for their child could be. and i have seen it with my own eyes. but today it hit home in a way i never imagined it would. granted, she has only been with us for a few weeks, but regardless she has become a part of this family, a part of me. today i watched helplessly as the doctors wondered the same thing i did: is she going to make it? is she going to fully recover? the answer was out of reach, and all we had to trust was God. as her body lurched with every breath my mind raced; what if she gets to tired? what if she cant breath on her own anymore? is this going to cause long lasting damage to her body? how long will it take for her to recover?

as the doctors and nurses did their job in the ER, my wife and i watched. after continuous breathing treatment she was admitted and placed in the pediatrics unit. they continued to care for her as she continued to fight for breath. her peds doc pulled us aside and explained that this was not bronchitis, this was the worst kind of asthma attack one could have; and she is starting to get worn out fighting for breath. we would monitor her for some time and may need to transport to a more specialized unit.

there we sat, trying to maintain composure in front of her. thinking we had some time and she could stabilize. her heart rate continued to race, and her breathing labored. soon her doc informed us they were preparing the helicopter to transport her to a specialized unit. then the flight nurse and paramedic showed up. our hearts and minds began to race just as fast as hers. and i began to fully understand the worry and concern i had seen before with parents in the ambulance.

how is this going to end?

they prepped her for the flight, transferring wires and tubes and giving shots to help with nausea. we called our works to inform them we would not be in today. then we raced to the car, knowing that they would beat us to the next hospital. about an hour later we arrived and find our way through the hospital to find our daughter in icu. she is panicky, with more tubes and wires.

the rest of our afternoon was spent with phone calls, holding hands and trying to keep ourselves together. the heart beat continues to race, and she continues with breathing treatments; but she improves. all throughout the experience God has been faithful to provide people who have been caring and an encouragement. we thank the friends and family who have been praying for us through this, and have supported us with this calling God has placed in our hearts to care for these kids

and now she lies in her bed, trying to sleep despite the noises and lights. and i sit here exhausted and in need of rest. and to that, i say good night praying God continues to provide the blessings He has been so generous with today. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to us tonight!

what it is

i have to be honest, this posting is in part due to feeling obligated to writing something since it has been so long, and the other part is a feeling of need to get some things on "paper". the fact that i cannot even remember the last time i wrote something here without looking says a lot to me, especially since i used to be on here almost daily. what a change.

and i think that is what has been running through my brain. change. the last year of my life has been the most turned-up-side-down year of my life. this time last year i just finished saying good-by to my dad and grandpa, knowing i would never see them this side of life again. in just over a month, it will be the one year anniversary of both of them passing. and while I celebrated the passing of my dad from this life to the next, the stinging reality of him being gone continues to settle in. the number of days i have aught myself picking up my phone to call, just to chat, and then realizing no one would answer are numerous. though, there is no bitterness. i rejoice knowing that this is only temporary. while my earthly father is not with me, i know that one day i will re-join him with my Heavenly Father also.

you know, it is funny how God's plans are often times so different than ours, and always infinitely better. when amanda and i decided to get married, i expressed caring about nothing more than knowing my dad could be present. we discussed dates, and changed our minds a lot. at one point we decided we would like to be a-typical and get married on march 11th, 2011. and over the course of time the date again changed to my parents' original wedding date, august 15th, of 2009. it was not until this past winter though that i finally realized how God orchestrated everything in this situation. had we gotten married in march of this year, my dad would not have been with us. see, God knows the number of our days, but not only with regards to our death. God knows the number of our days with regards to every part of our life. He knows when we will breath next, the number of breaths we take, how many beats our heart will make, and the list goes on. what a blessing God provided in this situation, allowing my dad to be present for one of the most important days of my life!

i think of this when i hear people allude to God not being good, or the idea that God does not know what He is doing. perhaps that is you. and perhaps like me, it is just going to take some time before you can see God's goodness in your life. that old saying "hindsight is 20/20" is often true. i encourage you, should you feel as though you are alone; should you feel as though God has abandoned you, look back. sift through your life and look for those places God has delivered you and blessed you. and remember them. often i have found in the end, that the times i feel most alone and far from God is when He is right next to me. i might not realize it, perhaps because the pain seems so much it clouds everything else out of view. but that does not mean God has left.

i have found it easy to slip into the mindset that as a Christian things will go great in my life. after all, this is often how being a believer is advertised. but the truth is, life becomes much harder. but we do not journey through it alone; we have a Deliverer. One who has walked the path before us, has faced the trials and temptations you and i face, and has gained the victory with no blemish.

this is what it is. what God has lead us to in life thus far. He is the Commander. I do not know where exactly we will end up, but i find rest and security in knowing He does. I hope you can find that same rest and security. and let us not forget, it is only found in one person, Jesus Christ. that is what it is.

p.s.- hope this makes some sense to you. cause, to be frank (though i am luke) it did not transfer to paper as easily as it flowed through my mind.

Maggie's Story

For those reading this, let me first clarify that I (Luke's wife) have confiscated Luke's blog for the purpose of sharing Maggie's story (with permission, of course :)). Luke is not the author of this one. I understand this will also be posted to his facebook (which makes me feel mildly awkward, but I think I can manage). I hope you enjoy it.

She sits in the back of the class, head hung low. Her teacher seems to like her, but she’s not too sure. No one spent much time with her when she was little. Now, she’s skittish around new people and places. She doesn’t understand why sometimes people cross the street, rather than having to pass close by her, and she doesn’t know why people make comments about her as she walks by. Her foster parents have started her in a new program, hoping to catch up on the socialization she missed growing up. Her new family agrees that it’s helping, but the stigma surrounding her just never seems to go away.

Meet Maggie. She’s not your ordinary “foster child.” Maggie is a 35 pound red pit bull. We never intended to take her in, much less keep her as long as we have. You see, we already have four dogs, two of which are pit bulls. A woman from work approached me, asking if we would taken in an eight month old puppy. She explained that they had taken the dog in to keep her from the shelter, only to find that a couple months down the road (and with a new baby), they could no longer keep her. The woman told me that the dog was going hungry. I told her there was no way we could take the dog in, and my husband confirmed my logic later that night. But as the day progressed, the words “going hungry” echoed through my mind. I thought to the day we had gotten Ryland, my Staffordshire. We met his owners at a Quik Trip. When I saw the five month old puppy, I bit back tears. Trying to hide my anger, I sat down to pet the worst looking puppy I had ever seen. Although his eyes were bright, his every rib showed. His coat was dull and he shook in the wind. We paid the fifteen dollars the couple had asked for and took him home. It took months to bring his health back.

Later that night, I asked my husband about the puppy my coworker had told us about. He reminded me that we were spending too much on dog food now. I reminded him about the state that Ryland had been found in. As it turns out, my husband has a heart as soft as mine. I guess that’s why I married him, because when I told him we needed to take in this dog, he agreed.

We told ourselves that two weeks would be the limit. After that, she would go to the Humane Society. We knew enough about their testing process to know that she wouldn’t qualify for being adopted just yet. We had to work with her at home. We potty trained her, taught her to sit and to sleep in her own crate at night. At home, she reminds me of a daisy. Gentle and pretty, she’ll sheepishly walk over and gently lay her head on my leg. It’s her way of asking if she can climb up on the couch and cuddle, soaking up any attention she can get, the way a flower soaks in the sunshine. In public, though, she might as well be Dogzilla. And Dogzilla is not the easiest dog to find a home for.

Her timid personality is misinterpreted around new people. Her shyness is seen as aggression; her lack of training and socialization are viewed as behavioral problems. So, somehow, her “two weeks” have turned into eleven. Although potential new owners have met her, they were intimidated by her behavior. I can’t say that I blame them- a bully breed is not for everyone. Even though I’ve been around dogs my whole life, I wasn’t sure where to start with Maggie, either. It doesn’t help that so many people think negatively of her breed.

I listed an ad online, asking for help with training, and hoping that someone would work with our meager budget of $50. Our knight in shining armor came in the form of the Complete K9 owner and trainer, Toney Turner. Something about our plight caught his eye, and he called, asking for our story. Four million cats and dogs are put down every year, and a large majority of those are pit bulls. I should stop and clarify here that the term “pit bull,” according to the Pit Bull Recue Central, is not a breed, but rather describes dogs that are viewed as “pit bulls” to the public, including the American Pit Bull Terriers, American Staffordshire Terriers, and Staffordshire Bull Terriers. Toney must have realized that Maggie was special to us. I felt silly as I tried to explain the bond we had already. I stumbled over my words, and said, “Well, she is a good dog. At least, at home, she is. In public, she gets scared and barks and will growl if someone comes too close. But at home, really, she is a really good dog.” Mr. Turner laughed and said he understood, but I was frustrated. You see, even though someone else was willing to give me so much of his time, I was unable to explain why Maggie was so special. I guess it’s because she’s an inspiration.

My husband and I began the pursuit of adopting a child from foster care in March of 2009. We don’t have any kids of our own yet. It makes me laugh when people ask why we don’t want kids of our own. Of course, I tell them, we want children of our own. Adoption means a family just as much as a biological addition. We aren’t opposed to having biological children, but we want to adopt first. Someone asked my mother why we would want a child from foster care- after all, she said, those children have “issues.” My mom smiled and asked if she knew anyone who didn’t. The woman caught on quickly. God says that all children are a blessing. He doesn’t say “biological children” or “children without issues.” He says “all children.”

A couple months ago, as we got closer to meeting the children we hope to invite into our family, I began to feel overwhelmed. What would I tell them when they came with hurts that need healing? With tears that need drying? With Maggie, I found my answer. I would tell them what Maggie taught me. You keep on going. We are the fourth family that Maggie has been with. She keeps on going. She looks up to her master to follow, just as we look up to ours for guidance. And she keeps on going.

When we do adopt, and our children have struggles, I will tell them Maggie’s story. I’ll tell them how Maggie went through four families before she found the perfect one. I’ll tell them that she was scared of people, and sometimes people didn’t want much to do with her, either. When our children are sad or feeling as an outcast, I’ll tell them that most people thought Maggie was a lost cause. I’ll tell them that, even though she had problems, we didn’t give up on her. And we won’t give up on them, either. Because of Maggie, I’ve found an inner strength, too. Just like we didn’t give up on her, I won’t give up on myself. I know life isn’t always kind, and is rarely perfect. But I won’t give up.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

We can’t keep Maggie if we want to adopt, or be foster parents. We already have an American Pit Bull and a Staffordshire Terrier, and neither is a very favorable breed where the state is concerned. We’ve been informed that we need to find her a new home. She is now in training with a wonderful instructor, and he won’t give up on her, either. Our children will likely never meet Maggie, but I hope I am able to tell them that Maggie found a great home with new owners that love her for who she is, and that they are pursuing more training. I will not accept the idea that I may have to tell them an unhappy ending for her. I will not tell my children that, in the end, we did give up on Maggie, that we had to take her to the shelter. I will not tell them that she had to be put down, because I know there is hope.

Mr. Turner says that Maggie’s behavior problems are out of fear. She is terrified of people. Unlike our American Pit, who loves everyone and is very affectionate, Maggie is looking at around a year more of training to become properly socialized and learn to trust.

Maggie has taught us to keep moving forward. We can only keep her for another four to ten weeks, and we hope to find her an appropriate, loving home by then. Although we can’t keep her, we can keep the memories she’s given us. We can keep the lessons she has taught. Most importantly, we can keep our hope.

Special thanks to Ashley Wing for editing my story- you took four pages of my jumbled thoughts and emotions, and turned them into a story that deserves to be told.

A special thanks also to Toney Turner, owner of Complete K9 for believing in Maggie as much as we do.