love, hope, victory

i just got back from hanging out at the park. it is the first time i have gone there, and it is like 2 blocks away from me. i needed to get out, away from this box of a room. i needed to get outside, fresh air, God's creation.

i sat there, and saw a bee. it has been snowing off and on with rain for the last few weeks, and it seems like spring will never get here. but there was a bee.

hope.

of a future, of a victory. something i needed a reminder of. but something else happened. my intention was to sit there and listen to a sermon by rob bell, which i did. i left my cell phone here at the house, which was kinda hard to do honestly. but i sat there and listened to this sermon i had no idea about except for the title, and wow. he talked about Paul wrestling with whether it would be better to die or live and continue to be persecuted. how he dug deep, wrestled with his convictions and beliefs, against his emotions and feelings. he spoke a lot about doubts, and how we have to face them. it seems that, when we do face our doubts, when we do not allow them to just sit there and fester within us, they lose their power over us. this hit me. really hard. recently, if i am completely honest i have found myself doubting things. from the love of my God to the love of my girlfriend. if i am completely honest. so i sat there and thought for a few minutes. i thought of a Psalm i have wrestled with, where the writer gripes about the situation, questioning God's love, and then is reminded and encouraged by His proven track record. so i sat there and did that with my doubts. God has provided what i need without falling short. jobs, money, relationships, you name it. He has been there and still is. His love is real, and He proves it every day. the greatest proof is His gift to me on the cross. i have to ask myself now, how much proof do i need???? and Amanda, wow. her notes, her gifts, her hugs and kisses. her words of encouragement and comfort when i am down or frustrated. her love through forgiveness when i screw up. she has proven her love to me time and time again. so here i say to my doubts, the proof is overwhelming. the love is real, evident, true. there might be times when it seems missing, but it is not.

and rob said something else at the end that hit me as well.

he said something to the effect of, we often times let our emotions drive the bus. wow. i smiled. not a 'haha' smile, but a 'wow, you got me' smile. this has been me. i hate to say it, but my mom has pointed it out to me numerous times. and i have allowed these emotions with my doubt to drive me. it is the emotions brought by the doubt that i believe often cause me to not see the love that is really there. if i would only trust, if i would only look at the evidence, if i would only stand firm in my beliefs and convictions.....maybe i wouldn't hurt so much. maybe if i really let God have control instead of my emotions and doubts, id really find joy in the hard times. maybe i would smile more again. maybe, just maybe i would really see all of the love that surrounds me.

sitting in the park this afternoon, i began to see something i don't think i really have for a while. i am loved, there is hope, there is victory.