what it is

i have to be honest, this posting is in part due to feeling obligated to writing something since it has been so long, and the other part is a feeling of need to get some things on "paper". the fact that i cannot even remember the last time i wrote something here without looking says a lot to me, especially since i used to be on here almost daily. what a change.

and i think that is what has been running through my brain. change. the last year of my life has been the most turned-up-side-down year of my life. this time last year i just finished saying good-by to my dad and grandpa, knowing i would never see them this side of life again. in just over a month, it will be the one year anniversary of both of them passing. and while I celebrated the passing of my dad from this life to the next, the stinging reality of him being gone continues to settle in. the number of days i have aught myself picking up my phone to call, just to chat, and then realizing no one would answer are numerous. though, there is no bitterness. i rejoice knowing that this is only temporary. while my earthly father is not with me, i know that one day i will re-join him with my Heavenly Father also.

you know, it is funny how God's plans are often times so different than ours, and always infinitely better. when amanda and i decided to get married, i expressed caring about nothing more than knowing my dad could be present. we discussed dates, and changed our minds a lot. at one point we decided we would like to be a-typical and get married on march 11th, 2011. and over the course of time the date again changed to my parents' original wedding date, august 15th, of 2009. it was not until this past winter though that i finally realized how God orchestrated everything in this situation. had we gotten married in march of this year, my dad would not have been with us. see, God knows the number of our days, but not only with regards to our death. God knows the number of our days with regards to every part of our life. He knows when we will breath next, the number of breaths we take, how many beats our heart will make, and the list goes on. what a blessing God provided in this situation, allowing my dad to be present for one of the most important days of my life!

i think of this when i hear people allude to God not being good, or the idea that God does not know what He is doing. perhaps that is you. and perhaps like me, it is just going to take some time before you can see God's goodness in your life. that old saying "hindsight is 20/20" is often true. i encourage you, should you feel as though you are alone; should you feel as though God has abandoned you, look back. sift through your life and look for those places God has delivered you and blessed you. and remember them. often i have found in the end, that the times i feel most alone and far from God is when He is right next to me. i might not realize it, perhaps because the pain seems so much it clouds everything else out of view. but that does not mean God has left.

i have found it easy to slip into the mindset that as a Christian things will go great in my life. after all, this is often how being a believer is advertised. but the truth is, life becomes much harder. but we do not journey through it alone; we have a Deliverer. One who has walked the path before us, has faced the trials and temptations you and i face, and has gained the victory with no blemish.

this is what it is. what God has lead us to in life thus far. He is the Commander. I do not know where exactly we will end up, but i find rest and security in knowing He does. I hope you can find that same rest and security. and let us not forget, it is only found in one person, Jesus Christ. that is what it is.

p.s.- hope this makes some sense to you. cause, to be frank (though i am luke) it did not transfer to paper as easily as it flowed through my mind.