the familiar

i just got back from Hesston last night/this morning. i flew out there thanksgiving morning to spend six days there with friends. i had a blast going to newell's, drifting in the snow at 3 in the morning with friends, almost dieing, eating, visiting with faculty, etc.

it came time to leave and part of me didn't want to, yet part of me did. i am excited for what is ahead of me, and at this time i am in Washington State for school. but at times i long for the familiar. it is something i have struggled with for some time now. i am not afraid of the future, but i have many memories that i love, and in my flesh at times wish i could relive, could recreate in some way. that thought came to mind this morning back here in Washington as i woke up and looked at the snow outside. it made me think of when it would snow back in Hesston and how much i loved it.

but here i am now, back in reality realizing i can not go back and relive the past. i can visit, and enjoy....but i can not make it now. but perhaps one day i will return, and stay awhile longer. until then, i look to the future and what God has in store for me, loving and remembering the good times.

with love to all my friends at and from Hesston College. Good times will always be remembered.

what are you thankful for?

iv been thinking the last few days about thanksgiving. it comes once a year, and then it is gone till the next pass. the whole idea behind this time is to be thankful for what we have. in my book, it is a time of celebration and thanks for what God has blessed us with.

i don't know about you, but i like the tradition of going around the table and saying what you are thankful for. but at the same time i have a problem. see, i have noticed that we tend to repeat the same things over and over again, and they seem to lose their luster. not that their is no real feeling there, but it is like saying the same word over and over again.....you start to wonder if your saying it right (or maybe that is just me). i do this, it is always family and friends or something big like that. and i have noticed something.

so often we forget about the little things. the last breath we just took, the last hug, smile, sight, word. the little things that make life so unique are often neglected when it comes to thanks. i encourage you to join me this thanksgiving to move past the same-old-same-old of thanking God for family and friends....not because they don't matter, but because there is so much more, so much less obvious that should be noticed.

see, everything we have comes from God, even the little things. it is because of God that you were granted another day of life, another breath. it is because of God that you experienced that last hug, or that last smile. so why not thank Him for it as we do for our families and friends? i am asking you to join me in breaking the tradition within the tradition, and bringing to light the things often missed. because i believe that often times the greatest things are the smallest. like that breath.

and lastly, why stop with the day of Thanksgiving? should we not be doing this all the time? why do we wait for this day, and after it has passed we forget to thank God? don't fall into the trap of forgetfulness. God deserves our thanks continually, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day. be thankful this day, and every day.

and remember the little things, they make life unique.

Daniel and Dreams

Thanksgiving is just 19 hours away fro me. i decided to take a personal day today because once 550 tomorrow gets here it will be non-stop moving. and i figured a good day of rest does not hurt. i went down stairs when i woke up to hear piano music and smell pumpkin pie......my mind flooded with memories of home.

i had a dream over and over again last night, yet i do not know its significance. i was hiking around a large lake. the lake was on my right, and thick woods and rock faces were to my left. the trail was sometimes ground, and other times i was on jutting out pieces of the rock face. it was summer. across the lake by a round, were houses on a slight hill, with lawns of grass. and running down these lawns was crystal clear water, yet it did not tear up or erode the lawn. it flowed like rapids into the lake. at the round in the trail, it was shady with thick woods i had to climb through. i wanted to get to the water flowing down the lawn, yet never did because of the thick woods. this played over and over in my head. then, the last time something was different. as i got to the rock part of the trail, i looked across by the houses to see a huge splash in the water. wondering what it was i stopped and then noticed 3 kayaks that had slid off the hill. 2 were very large, and the third normal one person size. they came up right next to me and turned the bend and went along. then i woke up.

i have no idea what this means. iv been reading the book of Daniel. Daniel was an interpreter of dreams by God's grace. i desire to be like Daniel, not because of the dream deal, but because of his character. but like him, i am asking for clarity with this dream. i believe it has significance. yet i do not know what it is. but God does. i think, perhaps He is saying something to me here, and if so He will grant me the knowledge to see it.

in the mean time, i would encourage you to all read the book of Daniel. don't stay on the surface though, you'll get so little out of it that way. go deep. see, reading the Bible is like the ocean. it looks really kool standing on the beach, but when you dive in and go under, you discover so much more. dive in, go deep. journey with me and see why i want to be like Daniel.

emotional clouds

iv been thinking today, how often do we let our emotions rule us? i wrote a paper earlier today about pride, and my journey of dealing with it. when i look back on my short life i see many times where i let emotions like pride, anger, envy, or lust creep into my life and all hell breaks lose. in light of a recent event, i wish to raise this question to you. how often do you let your anger, pride, envy, whatever it might be, rule your life? see, if we call ourselves followers of Christ i have an issue with living this way. and i am not saying in any way that i am perfect, that i have got it all figured out, cause i don't. it is an issue i live with every day, it is part of being human.

i love Romans 8, where Paul is talking about living in the Spirit. see, if we are truly followers of Christ as so many of us claim to be, we should be striving to live in the Spirit, not our sinful natures. in chapter 12 he talks about renewing our minds to be in the likeness of God, not the world. and then in chapter 13, at the very end Paul tells us to "clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ".

think about it: the way of this world is one that gives into emotions, that bases decision making on how you feel. but as followers of Christ it should be different. not that we through out feeling all together, but that we should be living by the Spirit. we should not be acting out of anger, pride, envy, etc. but rather we should be acting out of love, mercy, grace, with a humble heart and mind. this is the way of Christ.

so i challenge you to look past the emotion. not to disregard or ignore it, but to move past it. seek God in the times of hardship, cause He is there whether you can see Him or not. it doesn't happen over night often, and it can be hard.....i know, iv been there many times. but we should be seeking God, His wisdom and knowledge in all of this.

we can not let our emotion cloud our spiritual eyes. look, He is there in the midst.

thanks Evan

i love how God works things. how He can show you something, teach you something, get you thinking about something that you can then use to maybe bless another. and the timing is perfect.


i watched Evan Almighty last night and i laughed a lot. but when we got to the end, had i been alone i would have cried. my mind was turning. something inside me did something, i don't know what, when Evan walked to the tree to talk with God. see, i desire what Evan had in the movie: personal one-on-one time with God in the physical realm.

you ever hit points in your life where it just sucks? and i don't mean, yeah it sucks. i mean the "it blows the big one" type suck in life. it is times like that which i want to be held. but not by anyone, by God. we talk and say that God is holding us in times of hardship, ad i don't argue that. but i long for a physical holding, as a father holds his child. a physical intimacy.

then in the movie, Evan turns around for a moment, and when he turns back God is gone. i wonder what was going through Evan's head. i know what was going through mine. i placed myself in his shoes for a moment there, and when he turned around and God was gone, something in my turned. like the floor being pulled out from underneath me. see, i wonder how much we hold onto the physical. i put myself in his shoes and when God wast there my heart was in pain, as if someone i loved was now gone forever.

but here is the thing. God is never gone. just because we can not physically see Him doesn't mean He is not around. and those hard times, the ones that just really suck.....how quick are we to think God isn't there? we have to catch ourselves. God is always present. He is always loving and never changing. when life sucks, He is carrying us even if it don't feel like it. i challenge you if you are in a time of hardship and feel alone; get away from everything for a little and get into the Word. spend some time with God, cause He is right there with you. seek His counsel, seek His peace and comfort. cause trust me, it is so much greater than anything here on earth can provide.

and remember, just cause you cant see Him don't mean He isn't there. He might even be carrying you and you don't realize it.

count it

i had a conversation with a friend just a little bit ago in which a thought was spurned. mark and i were talking about the books that we are writing, and in our discussion something spurred my mind to think about the cost of following Christ. i remember, he told me i was a good sales man, and we started talking more about my calling to the ministry. and this got me thinking, in a way i am selling something. i am selling the Christian lifestyle, in a sense.

think about it. so often i think we have this mind set that it doesn't cost anything to follow Christ. i think many churches preach this, or at least give this idea, and many "Christians" give this impression as well. but i do not think this is right. when we break it down, when we look at what it really means to be a Christian, to follow Christ.......it costs. and it is not just a small down payment either. sure, we accept Christ as our Savior, but there is so much more! it is about completely surrendering yourself to His will and control. it costs you everything. i love Jeremy Camp's song "Tonight" because this is what he is talking about. paying the price to follow Christ, to live up to the claim of being a Christian. we must pick up a cross and follow. iv said it before, following Him is not a walk in the park.

see, there is this other idea that following Christ is full of fun, happiness, flowers, birds, butterflies, whatever happy things you can think of. but the reality is that it is not. that mindset is an illusion concocted by Satan himself! the reality is that Jesus was very clear that if you follow Him, it would be rough.

why? look what He went through. honestly, when was the last time you sat down and studied, contemplated and meditated on the sacrifice Jesus made? for me, it has been a while......and that is changing. i am calling you who call your selves Christians, even those who are thinking of following Christ, to think about it. realize that Jesus is asking for more than just a yes. He is asking for action to back it up. more than this, He deserves it.

don't follow blindly.

slow it down

why do we rush? why do we run head long into something without stopping and pondering more often? i see so many people, myself being one of them, just rush into doing something without thinking about what is really involved. and then, when we get in and we start getting overwhelmed we freak out like we don't understand why all this is happening. this boggles my mind.

i think of prayer. how often do we lie down at night and start rattling off this list of things, just filling time and space with our words? i have so often found myself doing this and i have to stop myself. iv had to go to lengths before where i tell myself to stop talking out loud. why do we do this? is it an effort to avoid awkward silence? do we think God doesn't hear us if we don't say it a certain way or loud enough? my eyes feel upon a verse again the other day, one that in the last few years has been one of comfort to me. in Ecclesiastes 5 i hear God telling me to be silent, to slow down and listen.

"2Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few."

see, i think we have this idea that prayer is just rambling off this list of wishes and wants, begging God to grant them to us. point blank, that is a joke. prayer is more than telling God what we want. prayer is about relationship, one with God the Father through His Son Jesus Christ. it is personal, and it is two-way, not one. when we pray we must listen for God to answer. we need to slow down, maybe even shut-up for once, and just listen. as the Scripture says, "...let your words be few."

but this is just one aspect of many in relation to prayer. and what about the issue that spurned me into this? the fact that today's world is one of busyness. if you are not busy, there is something wrong with you. you cant slow down or stop what you are doing, and if you can find something to do!

this is what the world screams at us, and i am sick of it. i am sick of watching people rush into things they do not understand and than getting into a hole so deep they cant get back out, and if they can they become so depressed no pill can ever cure them.

stop.

just stop for once. take a walk. go for a hike. get out of town for a weekend. sleep in, lounge around the house. take a day off work or school. spend time in the Word, spend some time with the Father.

take a breath, let your words be few.

under the wing

i hate it when i cant find the words for how and what i am feeling and thinking. i feel helpless, constricted and tied down. i have felt this way most of today, until now. i am starting to find the words for what is on my heart and mind. i only pray they make as much sense to whoever reads this as it does to me.

i have never realized the importance of mentoring until today. nothing profound happened to me, except seeing the importance of it in those we read of in Scripture. i think, if it was important for them to go through training, to be discipled and mentored, how much more important is it today? see, if i could do it my way i would not be here in school right now, and i would have gone into full-time ministry a few years ago. but i wonder where i would be if i had done that. burned out, tired, lonely, disappointed.

i look back over the last few years of my life and see where God has been training me. and it never stops. my grandma just passed into eternity a week ago tomorrow. i had never been that close to death in my life, yet i had helped others through it....and how much more can i help now that i have personally journeyed through that valley? even before i got my act together, someone saw something in me and took me under their wing in the ministry, and then passed me on to another person to continue. and after high school i continued to pursue the call God has placed on my life and surround myself with Godly men to mentor me. this is a continuous thing. i think of Joseph in Scripture, how God took him through 13 years of hell, training and preparing him for his future position at age 30. and i find it interesting that this was the same age that David became king, and Jesus Himself started His ministry.

after reading about this, thinking about it, i desire more to under go more training than ever before. i desire to continue and surround myself with Godly men who will speak into my life words of wisdom, and encourage me to grow in the Word. i think God has much more training for me to under go in the years to come. and i am glad.

beautiful

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption


read those lyrics. and then read them again. read them several times. they are from the song Beautiful Redemption by Joy Williams, and these lyrics hit me today.

see, i always find myself questioning if i am forgiven for something i have done and have sought forgiveness for. i find myself asking for forgiveness over and over again as if i never have before. i know i am forgiven, Christ has died in my place and covered it all for all eternity. yet there is still something in me that makes me doubt. i love one of the lines before this chorus where she relates herself to Thomas, the one who doubted. how often do i doubt my forgiveness?

but i am reminded that i am forgiven. when i cry "Father forgive me", He already has. and because of this, i am beautiful. because i am His and He is mine, i am a beautiful redemption. nothing less.

i thought

i just got back home from an awesome weekend working up at camp. i reffed paintball on saturday and cleaned on sunday. the rest of the time i pretty much just chilled. i started thinking when i got home tonight that i need to blog, but i couldnt think of anything, so i thought i would just start writing. things always come to my mind when i do this. and this time is no different.

this weekend at camp i took the time to do some reading. i tend to find myself asking God to lead me to the right place in Scripture for this time in my life, and for Him to speak to me. well, God is good and He answered my prayer. i didnt realize it though until saturday late morning.

see, all day friday i felt drawn to Romans 8, the whole chapter....but i couldnt figure out why. i kept reading and reading it over and over again, finding refreshment in it every time i spoke the words of Paul's letter. and then i went for a hike saturday by myself. i find myself thinking about this passage that i had been drawn to, and started to reflect. what did it say, and what does it mean? see, the passage talks about living by the Spirit, and not by sinful nature. and something clicked in my head.

once again, God was telling me that it can not be my way, but must be His. it's nothing new to me, but something i find needing constant reminding of. so often in the busyness that i create in my life, i start to think and do thing s my way without even taking a breath, and consulting God. and this tends to put me in a pile of crap in the end. see, i was reminded once again that i have to stop JUST preaching the Word.......i have to match it with my action. and it is not just a once a week thing. it's an issue of integrity. what i say must match what i do, and what i do must match what i say. sounds simple......but it aint. so often i trip and fall, im human. my sinful nature gets in the way, and instead of letting the Spirit lead me, i chose my sinful nature. but Paul is very clear in his letter that this should not be. if i am a follower of Christ i should be living according to the Spirit, not myself.

again, this is something i preach, yet often find myself falling short of in my personal life. it is an issue of integrity. i dont know if any of this makes sense to you. maybe it only makes sense to me, but as with all of the things i write, i have to. maybe this is just something for me to reflect on. and maybe, just maybe it will make sense to you by the grace of God.

reminder

today i got on the bus at the station to come home, just like any other day. it was a quiet bus, perhaps because the weather out is dark and rainy. before i got on that bus i noticed that the paint scheme on this one was the American flag, and to my knowledge they had only one like this. i know believe this to be true as you will find out.

i got on as i said, and found my seat. i observed who was on board, not knowing anyone but curious. then something caught my eye as we headed down the road. at the front of the bus, where the bus number is usually at where five shiny numbers, like you would find on the front of a house. i read the number and at first didn't recognize the significance. than as i sat there, i started to ponder this. this was the first and only bus number i had seen displayed in this fashion. then i put the number in connection with the paint scheme of the bus. its number was 91101, representing September 11th, 2001. the bus was painted as an American flag. it all came together now. this bus was a tribute to those affected by the events on 9/11, yet it was subtle. it was not screaming at you, hey look at me and what i am representing! instead, it was a humble representation and display of remembrance.

i sat and thought of this for the rest of my ride home. i though, i wonder how many people have realized the significance of this bus? how many people have taken the time to look at the numbers, look at the paint scheme, and connect the two with history?

see, for me this day two things happened. one, i was reminded of what happened in a powerful way, one that caught my breath, made my heart jump when i drew the lines. but second, it reminded how often we get caught up in the business of life that we so often miss the subtle, yet profound things in life.

one day

so i was thinking yet again in the shower today. it seems this is where the majority of my thinking happens. i dont know why.

before i went to shower i read an article in my October 2007 Backpacker Magazine that really caught my interest. it was about a man in Silverton, CO who once was a drunk brawler, and became a Bible reading, mountaineering, litter-picker-upper, land protector, generous and helpful citizen.......who one day disappeared in the nearby mountains. but something in this article really grabbed me, and wouldnt let me go, so i chewed on it while i showered. thus here i am.

at one point in the article the writer speaks of a young lady Skip (the man i speak of) worked with. check this out....

Rosato says she asked Conrad about his health, and his hiking. "I said, 'If you have trouble or go missing, what should we do?' And he said, 'Don't worry about it, I'll be where I want to be."
"Vanishing Act" by Steve Friedman in the October 2007 issue of Backpacker Magazine

i have to be honest that when i read that i started to tear up. "Don't worry about it, I'll be where I want to be." i think about my life. i love the outdoors, i love to hike. i started thinking about this weekend at home, the death of my grandma and how she was cremated. my step-dad and i got to joking about what we would want done with our ashes if we were cremated, and after he said something in relation to Wriggly Field, he said something about me and a mountain peak. i never thought about my death as much as i have this past weekend. no surprise. most people my age dont.

but i started thinking about this today as i showered. it is true, i love the mountains, i love to hike and be in nature. i love being out in God's creation unspoiled. and as i think more about it, it becomes clearer that i could die out there......but i believe i would be at peace. as Skip Conrad told Rosato, "Don't worry about it, I'll be where i want to be."

i dont know the future, only my Father and Creator does. and i trust Him. i know He has a plan for my life, my future earthly death planned out, and i find comfort in that. i know that in the end here, i will ascend to Him for all eternity. but as for my earthly death, may it be declared here. should i die a natural death, one not lost in God's creation, let me make this clear.

my body will not be buried in a fenced in yard, a cemetery with a trimmed lawn and nice headstones. this is not me. i will be cremated, and my ashes scattered in the mountains of my choice. this is not a childish, immature idea. i find God most clearly in His creation, and this is where i wish for my body to return, dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

so let it stand here, my desire for my remains. and, if my end is like that of Skip's, listen to him when he says, "Don't worry about it, I'll be where I want to be."

for you

I don’t know much about death. Those who do are unable to tell us directly. I remember when I was younger going to funerals and just sitting or standing there, not showing emotion simply because I was not sad. It’s not that I was happy about the death, but everyone’s funeral I had been to, I really didn’t know them. I didn’t feel any lose of my own. Things have changed now. I cried for the first time at a funeral this Sunday afternoon during the service for my grandma. The memories flood your mind, her face and her voice. I think of her when she would laugh, how it came from deep inside her. It was not a shallow laugh, but a hearty one. I think of her smile, how big and great it was. Never a shallow half smile.

Coming home this weekend for the funeral was one of the best trips home I have had yet in my life. Granted I wish the circumstances could have been brighter, but there was joy none the less. I got to see all of my family, spend time with students from this past summer, hang with fellow leaders in the ministry, and chat with my pastor. Il never forget how the students made me feel Sunday night at reality. The love was amazing, and comforting. I love how God continually shows Himself through others in my life. I thank Him for the peace of mind and spirit He has granted me. I know where my grandma is, and whose presence she is in.

In his message at the funeral, Pastor Hauter raised the question of eternity. Do you know where you are going? My grandma did, it was clear. I spoke with my other grandma who was holding hands with my grandma when she died. She said it was so peaceful, no fear or concern, just peace. I think it is natural to be afraid of dieing, so I ask you where this peace could have come from. And I have an answer….from the Lord God whom she had faith in. And this is the same peace I have found in this time. This is why I can smile today, why I could smile and laugh Sunday. We have lost someone dear to us, but God is rejoicing one of His children has come home. This gives me peace, security. I know in my heart and mind, that when my time comes I will see her once again. I have made that choice concerning eternity. What is yours?