redemption refreshing

it is late. i haven't been here in a while, and iv been missing it. there is so much that has been going on.

a gap i sense is closing. one between me and a friend. but not just any friend, one who i need more than anything else. He is bigger than any support group, smarter and wiser than any wise man, more loving than a mother or father.

God.

Abba Father.

over the last month or so i have noticed a gap between me and Him growing. not by His doing, but mine. it has been said before, and i agree, that as Christians we are never standing still. we are either moving forward or backwards.

forwards, or backwards.

there is no middle ground, no "safe zone". this sucks. no breaks it seems, at least for me. yet, there is a break, so it seems. the rest we gain from being completely consumed in His love. perhaps this does not make perfect sense here, i apologize. if only you could step into my mind.

tonight was my second of training for camp, and at the end we had a time of worship. i noticed at one point the drummer wipe a tear from his face. there was a song we sang, and before we sang the words laid on the screen. i read them, and i thought of God, giant before the earth, standing in a void consumed with His light. and in His hand was eternity. the master of all things, creator of Heaven and earth, Lord over all. this is the God i serve, and the God my heart longs for.

a great God.

i think of His love, and how He still calls me back to His side despite my screw-ups.

never changing, never ending.
His light will shine when all else fails.

i think of the times as of late when it seems like i was walking alone, feeling abandoned. there were people there, loved ones by my side. but there is a place in all of us that no one but God can fill......and it felt void of something. but in reality, it was not void, but filled. my God never departed from my side, but i from His. i turned my back, and He sought after me to return to Him.

this is a God of love, a God who never changes, but is constant. a God of love, mercy and grace, but also of Holy wrath, jealous of what is His, righteous in all that He does.

i have fallen....many times. and i stand back up again. i turn to Him. and with a weeping heart i reach.

knowing, a loving hand will grasp mine.