Stripping

i don't know. i just feel like there is all of this junk in me lately. stuff from past and present. anxiousness, anger, disappointment, guilt, you name it......i probably have some of it. and i don't want it. i just got done reading a friends blog, where he talks about Adam and Eve after being created, and how they stood....

...naked and unashamed.

he goes on to talk about what this means for us, how there is a timeless truth contained in all of the verses that make up Scripture, God's Word. and here we see one about being real. it feels so long since i have been there. and i long for it. i want to let all of my junk out. but here is not the place for it all.

i feel like i have been wearing a mask, and as of late it has begun to fall apart. it is funny how that seems to happen....i credit it to God. today, i feel like mine just feel off. i sat in chapel during the music and kinda felt out of place, but it felt right at the same time. i felt naked, i felt real......and it didn't bother me. i thought about the crap i have done, the mistakes i have made, the things that have let my God down.....and things started to click in my head. iv been living for me, and saying the opposite.

so here i am. i guess this is saying to myself in some way, I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done walking my way and saying it is His. I'm ready to just let go, to throw i the towel for real this time. I'm ready to trust whole-hearted. and i cant do it on my own. God, you have shown this to me time and time and time and time again. and i don't want to be shown again. i don't want the pain, the guilt....i don't want any of it. it is time i fully realize this "life" is not mine.

i read a part of Psalm 139 this afternoon, and i stopped after a few verses i was so taken back. you know that feeling of tears coming? your heart is wrenched, and it hurts to just swallow? i have always known nothing i do escapes the eyes of God. but something happens to me when i read His Word that says this.

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

all of my junk is known. all the things i did knowing i shouldn't, giving into my desires and what i wanted instead of heeding God. He knows.

it is funny to me when God smacks me, as i like to think of it. it is firm, yet loving. i kept reading a little more and i stopped at this...

Where can i go from your Spirit?
Where can i flee from your presence?
If i go to the heavens, you are there;
if i make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was taken back. my mind races still, as this thought moves from my head to my heart.....no matter how far i stray, God will always be there ready to lead me. no matter what i do or say, He hears. i think of this saying i saw at a friends house not to long ago. it said something like, Jesus Christ is the silent guest at every meal, the silent listener in every conversation....He is there, everywhere. and He knows all that we have done, are doing, and will do.

nothing i say or do is inescapable from Him. i have made some big mistakes in my short life, some even recently. things i look back at and know i was choosing to not listen to God. and i read this. i am reminded. my eyes are opened, and i don't want them to close again.

God, let your piercing light drive the darkness away from me. let Your holiness consume all of me, Your Spirit taking control of my life, Your Will replacing mine when faced with temptations of all kinds. let me never think "no one knows", for You are always present. next to me in the day, watching over me as i lay. let this life truly be Yours, surrendered to Your Will.