Meaning, Truth, Survival

This afternoon was a time of stirring in my heart. I had a few things on my mind, but something in me was stirring. My dreams came to mind, of which I have spent much time thinking, praying and discussing about with friend. After this mornings church service, I just hung out in the sanctuary, to “think”. After several people came up and asked if I was ok and gave me hugs, everyone left the church. Everyone, but me and God. In the dark. I sat in there for a good hour I think. I cried, yelled, begged, all in prayer. Seeking answers. Seeking direction. Begging God to knock me out of the way and take over everything. And in all of this, asking God to speak to me, to whisper…I heard Him. I believe now, with all of my heart that, my dreams were not just dreams. No, they were more than that. They were God speaking to me. Of His power, His strength. Of a battle that is to take place in my life, of which my strength and power is no match. I believe I will face a battle, one where I will be forced to rely on nothing but the power and strength of God the Father Himself. I continue to seek when, and for what this battle will take place.

Before church this morning, I sat in my pew. I thought. I thought about truth. The Truth. I am passionately seeking it, for this is what I believe I am in part called to do. For the Truth is vital to life, our eternal life. That Truth is in Christ Jesus. This is our call, to seek after Him with all of our heart. And to do so passionately, with all that is in our whole being. I talked with God this afternoon of this as well. And my heart heard, nothing but the hand of God Himself can stop me from seeking the Truth. No power in Heaven, Hell, or on earth save the Father Himself can stop me. I will not accept anything short of Truth, and will fight with all that is in me against that which is not Truth. For this is my heart. This is my calling. To pursue Truth, to seek it out and grasp onto it with all that is in me.

Guidance. I need it. I lack it. Guide me Father. Grant me wisdom, knowledge of your Will for my life. That I am called I know, but I seek to know where. Even now tears come as I think of my cries today. I am weak. And now, more than ever, I need strength that does not fail. It sounds so trivial, yet it comes from within my heart, welling up from my very being. A desire, but more than this….a need, vital to my existence. I am weak. I sense a great storm approaching. Yet, deep within I feel a peace that I cannot supply on my own. I am still moved to tears, though not by fear, but by the grace and mercy poured out on me continually, despite how much I screw up.