time

have you ever had a time were you feel drained? as if all that is in you has gone. tonight has been one of those times, even as i type this. i feel tired, cranky....i have no desire to do anything and yet i want to do something. i cant make my mind up if i should go to bed, or waste more time staring at a computer screen.

and so here i am, typing this now. i am still up, still tired. this break has been an interesting one thus far. between work, hanging with students from this summer, feeling unwelcome for the most part at certain places, and vegging at home. i have noticed something tonight as i sit here. something that is pointed out to me every time i am home and acknowledge, yet have not really accepted it till now. the fact that when i am home, i am never home. i am always going, always doing something, always with someone or going to meet them.

i complain about how busy this world is we live in, yet my life reflects it just as much as the next person. it is almost like i have this subconscious idea that if i am not busy, if i am not running around doing something all the time, something is wrong.

this bugs me. and i see its destructive power in that, as i sit here not doing anything i almost feel lonely. i think of Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes, where he says "Therefore stand in awe of God." honestly, i feel that it has been a good long time since i have done this, and that must change. not just because i need to, but because i want to. not just out of obedience, but desire.

i need to slow down. i need to take some time to really seek God. more than need, i want to. i am sick of always feeling like i need to run, feeling like if i am not doing something there is something wrong with me. i have let this ideal of society creep into my life, and i hate it. i want to seek God, and make doing so a priority yet again. John Piper has said life is but a vapor, and i believe it. why waste it running around aimlessly, trying to be happy in doing so? rather, i wish to stand in awe more.