when forgivness hits home

i had a dream last night. and no, it was nothing like MLK Jr.

i had a dream that i was at a walmart with a bunch of my students from nwoods this summer. it was winter time, and obviously i was home for break. we were working a fund raiser or something, im not really sure....probly cause its not the point. anyways, after a day of working, i get a call that i need to go, and as i start walking out to the main doors, i pass my step-dad who smiles at me. i turn and tell tim wyne peace, and that i will see him later and continue walking. then i notice who is there to pick me up, waiting for me at the main doors.

an old friend, someone i have come to love and care for as if my own brother, flesh and blood. yet i have let past events get in the way and fester into bitterness. something i know is wrong. when i saw him i was surprised, but filled with such joy. i knew who it was, and i smiled. i felt no bitterness, no anger......but joy, love, forgiveness......and guilt.

it didnt take long after i woke up this morning to realize the significance of this dream. ever since i moved all i could think about was hanging with my nwoods friends, which i will do. but i had no desire to hang with others. i was angry, felt abandoned for something better and funner.....maybe an issue of pride for myself? and then i remembered a discussion i had with a good friend and mentor the other night about forgiveness. he told me how his bitterness and anger was gone, that he let it go and moved on.....and i was challenged.

the other night i had had enough and i broke down. it felt like i had a stone tied to my anckle that was draging me down and i needed to cut it off. and so i did....i gave my anger, my envy, my pride, all of this junk to God for Him to get rid of, cause i knew in my weakness it would remain and just fester. i could not do it on my own. i felt refreshed the next day, even outwardly happy, something that has been missing for some time since moving here.

this all came back to me this morning as i lied in bed after waking from this dream. i put this junk behind me, i gave it to God and im done with it. i am sick of feeling angry, of letting my pride and bitterness get in the way of a friendship. the whole concept of forgiveness really hit home for me, not because i felt like i had forgiven someone necessarily, but because i felt the effects so strongly of forgiveness from God. i know this junk is behind me, i know i can move on. though i am still weak, and so i ask for help from God. cause as always, i know if i try it on my own il just screw it up royally.

here is my heart. im done being bitter, selfish, prideful, angry, envious, jealous, etc. it takes me no where but down. iv felt a change in me, and now i understand what it is, the importance of it. this doesnt mean i wont screw up, i know i will....it is called being human. but that is not where my heart is, it is not what i desire.

iv come to think, maybe we dont really understand forgiveness until we realize the realness of the forgiveness of our Heavenly Father. at least, this was my case.