The Fall of Trust

Every day at the bus plaza, I go up the escalator. And between the up and down one, is a water fall, and the water runs down a face of rock, following its predestined path by the shape of the rock laid before it.

I have passed by this for almost seven months now, without batting an eye. But something happened today that made me look at it differently, that really made me notice the significance of what was happening.

Chapel, today at school. Our guest speaker was a local pastor. I knew I would like him right off the bat...he was wearing a green dress shirt. My kind of guy. Not that I base my like or dislike of a person based on their choice of clothing, but this time I was right on. He spoke boldly the message of the Gospel, and he pointed something out that really convicted me.

It is none of your business figuring out what you are supposed to do with your life, it is God’s.

Wow. This hurt. Why? It finally clicked in my head, for the last several weeks I have been trying to do everything on my own. Amanda said something to me last night that now comes back to mind, and I think what I told her was wrong. She asked me if my confidence was really in God, or if I was just using Him as a shield.

I have to admit, He has been a shield for me to hide behind for some time as of late. I have been trying so hard to figure things out on my own, saying I am trusting God…..and I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing I can turn back to and say to myself, “yeah I let God handle that because I wanted to”.

So here I am, finally feeling like my eyes have been opened again. the crust has been broken, and swept away. I am sick of feeling like this, being a pew sitter in my Spiritual life. The sad thing is, from what I can tell, I have worn a well fabricated mask around most people. but I don’t want that anymore. I want to be who I was created to be, a servant and lover of the one true God. I don’t want to decide what to do with my life anymore. I want to be like the water that flows down the fall in the bus plaza, and follow the predestined outline....but the kool part about mine is that I don’t have a clue what it is!!! Only God in all His sovereignty does. It comes down to trust. Something I have wrestled with for some time now behind closed doors. Trusting He will really provide, that He will really lead and guide me. And coming to the realization that it is not about me at all. It is about God, and His glory. I am only a vessel. I am only the branch that bears the fruit produced by the vine.

It is time for me to yield myself fully, to trust completely. And not just leave it at words, but to follow it with actions in this life I have been granted. I have no clue what I am going to do with it, except what God tells me. And honestly, I like it that way…..not knowing. Because God does, and that is more than good enough.

The Chain

i started reading a new book the other day. i have now something like 8 books i am trying to read at the same time. it makes life very interesting. add to that, books for research for a paper i am writing. my life surprisingly stays busy (or should).

but i read something in this new book the other day that really convicted me. it has come to my attention as of late, both by simple personal conviction from God directly, and also that of God via Amanda, that somewhere along the line recently, i have allowed my priorities to switch. it went from God being at the top, to Him being somewhere lower. and then i read this:

To be prepared to relate to a member of the opposite sex, you must first learn how to relate to the Creator of the opposite sex.

When God Writes Your Love Story, pg. 37-38


something clicked. lately my attitude has not always been the best, easily defensive over nothing. looking back, i have had a hard time understanding and relating to Amanda......and now it makes sense. to better understand her, to better relate to her i must first understand the one who created her, God.

my priorities must shift back to where they were. i have always believed that if you are in a right relationship with God, all else falls into place as it should. it is time for me to follow that. it is time for me to once again, get to know and understand the Creator, so that i may better understand the one He created, and blessed me with.

What the Media will not tell you

i have stumbled across more information pertaining to the good coming from this war. information that our own media sources here in America as well as across this world seem to conveniently ignore and forget to report. this sickens me. rather, they would like to and do report nothing but negativity. here are some facts that you will never see on the media:

Did you know that 47 countries have re-established
their embassies in Iraq ?

Did you know that the Iraqi government
currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?

Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated,
364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction
and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq ?

Did you know that Iraq 's higher educational
structure consists of 20 Universities,
46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers,
all currently operating?

Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed
for the United States in January 2005
for the re-established Fulbright program?

Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
They have 5 -100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels
and a naval infantry regiment.

Did you know that Iraq 's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft
(under Iraqi operational control)
which operate day and night, and will soon add
16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?

Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist
unit and a Commando Battalion?

Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000
fully trained and equipped police officers?

Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq
that produce over 3500 new officers every 8 weeks?

Did you know there are more than 1100
building projects going on in Iraq ?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics,
15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations,
22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities
and 69 electrical facilities.

Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5
have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations?

Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were
enrolled in primary school by mid October?

Did you know that there are 1,192,000
cell phone subscribers in Iraq
and phone use has gone up 158%?

Did you know that Iraq has an independent
media that consists of 75 radio stations,
180 newspapers and 10 television stations?

Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange
opened in June of 2004?

Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi
presidential election had a televised debate recently?

these facts as well as others can be found at the following websites:

http://www.defense.gov/
http://www.pentagon.mil/
http://www.defenselink.mil/
http://www.defendamerica.mil/iraq.html
http://www.jcs.mil

Setting Things Straight

i read some short stories this evening regarding the American military. it made me smile. out of all the countries on this earth, it seems to me that America stretches out her hand the most. for those who think our government is evil, that what our troops are doing is wrong, i am sorry you have such a negative view of things. it seems very clear to me that we are helping those in need with the resources we have. unfortunately, many of those people and other countries who criticize us do not do the same, even though they have the resources as well. so here a few stories that i enjoyed.

Here are a few military comebacks...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell

was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for

Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.



He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States

has sent many of its fine young men and women into great

peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount

of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury

those that did not return.



It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of

international engineers were taking part, including French and

American. During a break one of the French engineers came

back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb

stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia

to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb

them?'



A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers

have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred

people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency

electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias

with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they

can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea

water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use

in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck..

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'



Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that

included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian

and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself

standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel

from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in

English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly

complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages,

Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we

always have to speak English in these conferences rather than

speaking French?'



Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's

because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged

it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'



You could have heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE..



A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France

on a tour.. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in

Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to

locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer

asked sarcastically.



Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.



'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'


The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to

show it.'



'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports

on arrival in France!'



The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at

Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country,

I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

A (Re)Found Motivation

i found myself thinking today. it occurred to me that i often think of myself as a dirty, filthy, worthless being, a sinner before the eyes of God. that no matter what i do, i am nothing more than a sinner before the eyes of God.

then something hit me.

i have Christ. I have professed Him as Lord and Savior of my life. i admit, as of late this commitment has not been fulfilled as i believe it should be. and i think this is why my mind traveled to this topic. i started to consciously view myself as worthless and dirty before the eyes of God. not to downplay my sin, but i do not believe this idea, this view of myself is correct.

the purpose of Christ's death was to cover our sins, so that when God looks at us, He sees the pureness of Christ, His Son. i am covered, my sin is washed away. again, this does not excuse my sin, as i will be held accountable for it on the day of judgment before that Great White Throne.

though i still fall, i know who i belong to, and what i am. a beloved child of God, forgiven of my sins through the acceptance and surrender of my life to Jesus Christ, through His death, burial and resurrection.

this gives me a re-found hope, one that it seems i have lost along the way recently. perhaps hope is not the best word, but motivation. a motivation to strive for pureness and holiness as i am called. God has called me to be holy as He is holy, i believe above all else. the fact i am seen as pure motivates me to strive for that pureness, that it might not be a fake image of who i am. not that my actions gain me favor, but that they bring Him pleasure.

i am pure in the eyes of God. for in me, He sees His Son. the One who took my punishment upon the cross, even before the foundations of the Earth, covers me with His holiness. in this i find once again, motivation to strive for pureness in the greatest.

For Your Information: my disclaimer

after some thought, and some comments about my blog regarding our troops, i thought i might give some background as to why i feel the way i do. i feel after re-reading it some background might help.

first, my goal is not to win anyone with this post, or the one i am referring to. i say this because from my experience those who do not agree refuse to change their minds. non the less, i cannot continue to bottle up how i feel. call it a venting post. this is the purpose of this blog, to express how i feel. this is always the purpose of my blogs, this one just happens to be an angry one. if you do not like it, i am not sorry. it is how i feel, and i will not apologize for that.

second, i have long put up with listening to, and even being criticized myself for my support of those who put others before themselves. and what makes me angry, is it is often "Christians" who do this. you know what is funny? those "Christians" who criticize the troops, suck at putting others first when compared to the troops. and you know what? i openly admit i am one of those "Christians" who sucks at this. but i respect them. i recognize the sacrifices they make to do what they do. and i am proud to say my older brother is one of those troops, who sacrificed time with his family, his comfort and luxury, and many times almost his own life. this is something those who criticize, i guarantee do not do.

for the last several years of my life i have listened to so called Americans trash the nation they live in, and the men and women who serve to protect it from threat. often, i have caught personal attacks for my stance. i am proud to support those serving, for this country, for me and you, and for those who cannot do it themselves.

it makes me angry, and rightly so i believe. i see so many people take advantage of what they have here, and then trash talk those who provide protection of it. maybe i am being redundant here, but you know what? i dont care. i dont think the arrogant, so called Americans in this country have heard this message enough.

i am sick of hearing people in this country trash talk those who protect the rights they arrogantly take advantage of. i am sick of hearing the people who only care about themselves trash talk those who put others before themselves.

so i say it again. i do not apologize for how i feel. i am not trying to win anyone. those who agree with me already do, and those who dont will continue to be arrogant, selfish, un American Americans. and as i said before, if you cannot be grateful for what you have, no one is making you stay here.

In The Backyard

it happened. the thing in todays world you wish never happens, and your heart breaks if it does, did. thursday, february 14th of 2008 a shooting occurred in my home state of Illinois, at the Northern Illinois University campus in DeKalb, Illinois.

iv heard about shootings, iv read about them. but this is my backyard. this is home. it means something different i am sad to say. before, my heart went out to those effected by these situations, but it hits harder when it is at home. when it is in the backyard.

i dont know what to say. i am speechless. i think of the VT shootings, and how shocked i was. it never loses its shock value. it always catches us off guard. and i think that is good.

it reminds me how short life is, and how much shorter it can be. it reminds me that this life is not all that important......it is just temporary. it reminds me that life is just a vapor. one day we are here, and the next we are gone.

my heart is broken, and my thoughts are somewhat scattered if you cant tell. naturally my mind starts to race and wants to know why someone would do such a thing. and honestly, i dont know if we will ever truly understand as long as we are on this earth. we can think, we can theorize why the man did what he did.....but we will never fully understand. only God does. in all of His infinite knowledge and wisdom, that of which we with finite minds can never truly nor fully comprehend, called them home now. i dont understand why, and i dont have to. God is God, not i. do i want to know and understand? yes. do i have to? no.

but i do know this from experience. God hears us, He hears our cries. our cries of pain, suffering, ache......our cries for help. our cries for peace and comfort. our cries for understanding. i believe He answers, because He has for me time and time again. sometimes it is not what i want to hear. others it is. either way, i find peace in knowing that He is a God who knows the epitome of best for me, and all of His creation.

my urging for those in pain, those who put stock in this life is this: seek Him, trust Him. this life is temporary. make it count, and do so for His Kingdom. if you are in pain, if you need peace and comfort, seek Him. open your heart, open your mind to God, and let Him do His work in your life. seek His Son, Christ Jesus. for He is the only hope. and let go of this life, surrendering it to His Will.

this doesnt promise safety or exclusion from trials or hardships. but, He will provide you a comfort, a peace that surpasses all our finite understanding.

my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to those at NIU today and in the days to come. may you seek and find. may you be filled with a peace, with a comfort that you cannot explain. and may you in that be drawn to the only Hope. Jesus Christ.

God bless you all.

For Every American To Ponder

i have seen many emails and posts much like this one. and every time my heart is stirred, and my eyes well up with tears. i think of the men and women out there fighting for you, fighting for me, and fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. how they sacrifice so much, willingly, and receive so little thanks. honestly, i think of those who do not support the troops, or the war, and i get angry. i have never in my life seen such selfish people in all of my life. you claim we do more bad than good. well i have this to say to you. first of all, get your facts straight. stop ignoring the clear fact of SUICIDE BOMBERS. it is they that are killing the innocent, not the American soldiers. second, honestly...if you dont like it, if you can not be grateful for the freedoms you so arrogantly practice in this country and the men and women who protect them for you, leave. seriously, pack up your bags and leave this country, because i am sick of you trash talking and disrespecting those who give more than you ever will while asking for nothing in return. third, dont act like you know what it is like because you read some books, watch the news, or talked to a soldier who deserted or doesnt agree. anyone who joins the military and doesnt want to go to war needs to check themselves, CAUSE THAT IS WHAT A MILITARY IS FOR! defense and offense, for us and for others. perhaps it hits home with me more because my older brother has been there. you people bad mouth him while you sit here in the USA protected, while he is overseas being shot at, thousands of miles away from his wife, two little daughters and other family. he didnt ask for this no, but he believes it is right. putting others before himself, and fighting for the rights of others. i respect that. you who protest, i dont respect you for a minute. if you cannot respect those who sacrifice for you, leave. just leave. go where you dont have rights. it wont hurt me none.

from a proud American and brother of an Iraqi Vet who proudly serves this country,

Luke Wagner

enjoy this next part.



Turn up your volume too theres a song!

You stay up for 16 hours.
He stays up for days on end.




You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.




You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.




You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.




You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.




You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

..


You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.




You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.




Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.




You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.




You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.




You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.




You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.




You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.




You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.




You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.




You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.




You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.




You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.




If you support your troops, the click "reply to poster" copy all the codes, and repost the bulletin.

If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post. You won't die in 7 days, your love life won't be affected, and you won't have the worst day ever. You don't have to repost. It's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your rights.

Reflection #5: Modern Day Cloud Of Witnesses

this reflection is based once again on the introduction of the book. i wrote it after listening to the song "Cloud Of Witnesses" by Mark Schultz, a song that has always stirred my heart and made my eyes well up with tears. blessings.

so im listening to a song. a song that i heard many years ago that for the past few, has stirred my heart every time i hear it. it speaks of a cloud of witnesses. the Church body. not the ones of old, but of the modern day. our parents, teachers, pastors, friends......the ones we walk with today, in Christ.

it strikes a very sensitive chord in my heart. there is a part where he sings of a boy losing his father, and how the friends surround him.....help him give his father up to God. something we will all one day face, something i have come close to many times with my fathers poor health. it makes me appreciate the blessing of people, a modern day cloud of witnesses, that God has placed in my life.

a cloud that i know will follow me down the road. a cloud that i know will help me through the hard times. a cloud that will support me. a cloud that inspires me. this is a modern day cloud of witnesses.

Can't find the logic, only peace

have you ever found something, been so sure of it.........this is it. and it hurts inside waiting, but waiting you know you must. you don't understand, but you trust. you cant find any logic in any of it, but you see God's hand it in everywhere.

like a small child's picture of finger-painting. prints of the fingers and hands cover the whole page.

here i am. i am so excited, i am finding it hard to even type this!

im at a new level. my love is deeper. there is no logic, iv been told this in different ways so many times i laugh now.

it hasn't been long enough.
you haven't spent enough time in person with her.
she is young, immature.
you are to young and don't know what you are talking about.


maybe it hasn't been long enough according to society.
maybe we haven't been together in person long enough.
she isn't to young, and i would argue (though biased ;-) ) that she is more mature than most girls her age, in every aspect.
i am not to young, though i admit i don't have a clue what i am doing.

but you know what???????

i am trusting.

not man, not myself. i am trusting God.

He has yet to tell me i have taken a wrong turn. there have been trials, arguments, disappointments.............but He has been faithful, and full of grace and mercy.

and He has shown it many times to me through her.

the greatest thing so far? today i finally reached a point i have been struggling with.......and i didn't do anything myself to get there!

i want to tell her everything, how my day went, how i am feeling, what i want and need. everything. past, present, future.

and she doesn't need to push me, poke and prod like i had to ask her to do before.

and not only this.......i am at peace about everything. i know who's hands this relationship is in. and i trust them. why shouldn't i????

i have all these years with everything else.........why should this be any different?

i have been blessed with a woman who is more than i deserve. and i truely believe that. and i have been called on something. holding on to it so tight.......it could burst in my face.

so here i am, at peace, and bringing her before God. letting it go and placing it in His hands.

after all, He knows what He is doing. and i am just walking blind.

but i trust. and He is good.

Reflection #4: Know the enemy, use his ammo

this reflection is from chapter two, of which discusses Justin Martyr:

how often do we fully understand what we are fighting? think about it.....how much do we really know about ways of thinking like atheism, agnostic's, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Catholics, etc. what fascinated me most about Justin Martyr is that he knew what he was up against. but more than just know, he understood how they thought and why. granted this is in part because he was once one of them, but still.

because he understood what they believed and why, he was able to answer the gnawing questions in a way they understood, without watering down the Gospel. that i think is the key. so often i think we sacrifice the heart of the message of Christ in turn for the person to "accept Christ". what good does the acceptance of Him do, if they don't even know the real deal?

i think Justin got that. i think of others in Scripture, like Peter, Paul, Stephen, who were all persecuted for the message. they also took it to those around them and presented it in a way that was understandable without jeopardizing the heart of it.

i am challenged. i am once again, as i am finding to become regular with each reading, convicted. how often do i water down the message just to get a person to listen to me? or go at it in a way that they don't understand? i believe it is vital that we understand what we are up against (after knowing well what it is we proclaim), and challenge it in a way that is understandable. this is the example i see set before me not only with Justin, but the Apostles, and even Jesus.

might we take notice and follow suit?

Reflection #3: Staying True

this post is actually in regards to the introduction of the book, and a comment made by the author that stuck out to me. enjoy:

when i read, i always carry a highlighter, to mark passages that "jump out" at me. this book has been no different, and i wish to share about one passage in the introduction. on page 29, the author states "It is of vital importance that every Christian believer be found traveling along the same path of historic orthodoxy that the ancient believers first labored to create."

i was amazed, and extremely happy to read this. i believe one of the main reasons we have so many messed up, wacky, un-Biblical views going around in the Church today, is simply because we have lost touch with our history. we have lost touch with our historical Christian roots. we have departed from orthodoxy in pursuit of making people happy and increasing numbers.

sick!

the reason it is important to "... be found traveling along the same path of historic orthodoxy that the ancient believers first labored to create." is not so we can honor those who shaped it, as much as i believe it is to remain Biblical. Scripture comes before man.

let us turn back if we have left, and let us do so humbly. let us remain true to Scripture, true to Christ....not man.

let us remain in orthodoxy.