in Christ

i am sick today. i have been fighting a cold for the last few days, and last night it took me down. but i see the light. because of it though, i missed work today. and i miss it. it is funny, as frustrating as some of the campers can be, i still love them. as much as at some times i wish i could just strangle them (let's be honest here), deep down i want to see them live, grow and learn.

i dont feel i have really had the chance to reflect on this summer as of yet. and here i find that chance. i love it.sure, i dont enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and driving through peoria traffic every day, but when i step back and look at the big picture i smile. i really do love it.

and the kids. wow. you know how they say kids love stories???? do they ever. i can have a rowdy bunch of kids who wont listen, and as soon as i start telling a Bible story, 9 out of 10 are listening quietly. and they want more. i cant tell you how many opportunities i have had in the last four weeks to talk with campers about Jesus, the Bible and God. they want it, and a lot of them are jumping at the bit for it.

yesterday i started something new with the oldest group, and i think it fits nicely. they are the Romans, named after the book in the Bible. i began reading every morning and every afternoon before camp ended with reading Romans 12. i took the idea from my friend Eric Potter who i worked with last summer at a church, and we did it with the high school students. it is fitting i think, to remind ourselves of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.

i am excited for the rest of this summer, i really am. i have a few more weeks left to go, with a few off coming up. but one last thought. something that i have been chewing on the last 24 hours or so.

should we not all begin our days with reading something like Romans 12? a specific reminder to us each of what we are to be and do. not to neglect the rest of God's Word, but to include it in our regular devotions of the day. let us not forget who we are called to be and what we are capable of becoming in Christ.

An Impression

last night i spent some time in the book of Daniel. i have spent a lot of time in there this past year, and i intend to spend much more time there in the days to come.

i have said much about Daniel in several posts, but last night something stuck out to me i never noticed before.....something i find curious. i do not have an answer in stone to my question, but i have some thoughts i wish to share.

Among these were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:6

the part before this tells how king Neb captured several Israelites, and brought them back to his kingdom in Babylon. but some men were brought to be trained and serve in the court of the king.

do you see what caught my eye? i find it interesting that out of what must have been more than just a hand-full of men, only four are mentioned by name.

but why? the Scripture does not elaborate on this. but i have been thinking. thinking about all of the other times people are mentioned by name in Scripture compared to this time. and my mind rests on this: they stood out.

Daniel and his friends, who some might know better as Rack, Shack and Benny, made an impression that could not be over looked. they made an impression by following God. but more than this, by using the gifts God granted them. look at this.....

The king talked with them, and he found none more equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:19a

out of all the men trained to serve in his court, the king found none that compared to these four. and because of this they were granted much favor by the king.

i have to stop and think. if i were in a group of people and someone wrote a book about them, would my name be mentioned? more than that, would it be in a positive light? would i stand out in the crowd as a light to God?

would i make an impression?

Daniel and his friends did. they had rock solid character.....unshakable integrity.

do we have that?

redemption refreshing

it is late. i haven't been here in a while, and iv been missing it. there is so much that has been going on.

a gap i sense is closing. one between me and a friend. but not just any friend, one who i need more than anything else. He is bigger than any support group, smarter and wiser than any wise man, more loving than a mother or father.

God.

Abba Father.

over the last month or so i have noticed a gap between me and Him growing. not by His doing, but mine. it has been said before, and i agree, that as Christians we are never standing still. we are either moving forward or backwards.

forwards, or backwards.

there is no middle ground, no "safe zone". this sucks. no breaks it seems, at least for me. yet, there is a break, so it seems. the rest we gain from being completely consumed in His love. perhaps this does not make perfect sense here, i apologize. if only you could step into my mind.

tonight was my second of training for camp, and at the end we had a time of worship. i noticed at one point the drummer wipe a tear from his face. there was a song we sang, and before we sang the words laid on the screen. i read them, and i thought of God, giant before the earth, standing in a void consumed with His light. and in His hand was eternity. the master of all things, creator of Heaven and earth, Lord over all. this is the God i serve, and the God my heart longs for.

a great God.

i think of His love, and how He still calls me back to His side despite my screw-ups.

never changing, never ending.
His light will shine when all else fails.

i think of the times as of late when it seems like i was walking alone, feeling abandoned. there were people there, loved ones by my side. but there is a place in all of us that no one but God can fill......and it felt void of something. but in reality, it was not void, but filled. my God never departed from my side, but i from His. i turned my back, and He sought after me to return to Him.

this is a God of love, a God who never changes, but is constant. a God of love, mercy and grace, but also of Holy wrath, jealous of what is His, righteous in all that He does.

i have fallen....many times. and i stand back up again. i turn to Him. and with a weeping heart i reach.

knowing, a loving hand will grasp mine.

another end with a new beginning

today marks my last time in the house i have been living in for the past 8 months or so. it was my last day to ride Spokane Transite, and the last time to walk these streets. at least for a while. i know il be back, because i really do love it here. i couldnt live here, but i could visit.

the family here has been a blessing and a curse (sorry, mainly a curse). but the friends i have made here will carry through a life time. the time i have had to spend with Chris and Cathy, and their boys Drew and Caleb are memories that will last a life time. being a part of their life for almost a year has been amazing!

i love the kids, i love Chris and Cathy. i cannot wait to come back out and see them again when they are older! and Journey Fellowship has been an amazingly encouraging family away from home to me. i will truely miss these things, and will hold onto the memories that have been made.

but with an end comes a new beginning. thus is the wonderful circle of life! monday afternoon i will be boarding a plane to leave Spokane, Washington and head home to Peoria, Illinois. there waiting for me will be my mother, and the most amazing woman in my life, Amanda. i cannot even begin to describe how excited i am to get off the plane and see her!!!!

this summer is going to be packed. tuesday, i head to Moody in Chi-town for the day, and start working at monicals again on thursday. then the next monday Amanda and i head for her house in Kansas for a little bit, with a side trip to John Brown University in Arkansas for her. then we head back home and camp all summer. i am excited for this summer, and looking forward to next school year.

it is weird, i hate school. but next year i will be home for the first time in my college career. being able to come home here and there easy is going to be a huge plus and motivator.

i will miss many things here. REI is just down the road, and back home it is up by Chi-town. i probly wont get mooned by a drunk guy on the bus back home, and i wont get to see the mountains every morning. i will miss my friends here, but this is not the true end. not yet. i have much ahead of me i believe, and i am excited for it. so, here is to the end of something great and a new beginning.

it must be Spring

it must be that time of year here after all. i have been doubting a lot lately. one minute it is sunny out, the next it is freezing cold with rain or even snow. and yes, it is nearing the end of April like everywhere else in the world.

but, in spite of the ever changing and winter-like weather, i was convinced the other day that Spring has truly arrived.

i was standing next to my window looking outside as i talked to Amanda. and then it happened. something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, there in the trees. i stopped mid-sentence i believe, in shock at what i just witnessed. two birds mating. an interesting thing to observe, i might add.

but there you have it. a declaration Spring has finally, truly sprung. via birds mating.

a Beautiful Redemption

there is this song that has been playing what seems like more than usual on my computer. it is a song i have heard many times before, and really like. but as of late, i have really noticed the words of the song, particularly at the beginning. i want to share them with you.

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to deceive
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

the song is called "Beautiful Redemption", by Joy Williams. and i dont know, the words have really been hitting home as of late. perhaps because as i have mentioned before, im just coming out of this valley where it seemed like God wasnt there a lot. and i have seen that it was because of my pushing Him out, that it seemed this way.

here i am reminded, though i am filthy, dirty......even though im a Thomas, a Magdalene, and even a Judas......God still loves me. that never changes, for i am His child now. by the sacrifice of Christ, claimed as my own....i am His. i am a Beautiful Redemption, and He forgives me. His love is real, and i feel it. i see it. it is beautiful.

here is a reminder if you have been like me. doubting, perfumed, kissing, lying.....in Christ you are a Beautiful Redemption. never forget that.

love, hope, victory

i just got back from hanging out at the park. it is the first time i have gone there, and it is like 2 blocks away from me. i needed to get out, away from this box of a room. i needed to get outside, fresh air, God's creation.

i sat there, and saw a bee. it has been snowing off and on with rain for the last few weeks, and it seems like spring will never get here. but there was a bee.

hope.

of a future, of a victory. something i needed a reminder of. but something else happened. my intention was to sit there and listen to a sermon by rob bell, which i did. i left my cell phone here at the house, which was kinda hard to do honestly. but i sat there and listened to this sermon i had no idea about except for the title, and wow. he talked about Paul wrestling with whether it would be better to die or live and continue to be persecuted. how he dug deep, wrestled with his convictions and beliefs, against his emotions and feelings. he spoke a lot about doubts, and how we have to face them. it seems that, when we do face our doubts, when we do not allow them to just sit there and fester within us, they lose their power over us. this hit me. really hard. recently, if i am completely honest i have found myself doubting things. from the love of my God to the love of my girlfriend. if i am completely honest. so i sat there and thought for a few minutes. i thought of a Psalm i have wrestled with, where the writer gripes about the situation, questioning God's love, and then is reminded and encouraged by His proven track record. so i sat there and did that with my doubts. God has provided what i need without falling short. jobs, money, relationships, you name it. He has been there and still is. His love is real, and He proves it every day. the greatest proof is His gift to me on the cross. i have to ask myself now, how much proof do i need???? and Amanda, wow. her notes, her gifts, her hugs and kisses. her words of encouragement and comfort when i am down or frustrated. her love through forgiveness when i screw up. she has proven her love to me time and time again. so here i say to my doubts, the proof is overwhelming. the love is real, evident, true. there might be times when it seems missing, but it is not.

and rob said something else at the end that hit me as well.

he said something to the effect of, we often times let our emotions drive the bus. wow. i smiled. not a 'haha' smile, but a 'wow, you got me' smile. this has been me. i hate to say it, but my mom has pointed it out to me numerous times. and i have allowed these emotions with my doubt to drive me. it is the emotions brought by the doubt that i believe often cause me to not see the love that is really there. if i would only trust, if i would only look at the evidence, if i would only stand firm in my beliefs and convictions.....maybe i wouldn't hurt so much. maybe if i really let God have control instead of my emotions and doubts, id really find joy in the hard times. maybe i would smile more again. maybe, just maybe i would really see all of the love that surrounds me.

sitting in the park this afternoon, i began to see something i don't think i really have for a while. i am loved, there is hope, there is victory.

if only i ask

Last night I found myself in a place I have not been for some time. Depression, homesick, lonely, sad and sick all together. I cried last night in a way I have not for some time. My heart desired home, the familiar. It is something I have struggled with for the last several years at different times in my life.

I found myself last night desperately searching for comfort, and picked up my Bible. I just opened it up and landed in the book of Jeremiah, chapter 33, and without much thinking started to read what jumped out at me.

2“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it – the LORD is his name: 3‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”

My mind kept thinking about this all day. How I am so confused and often times don’t know what to say or do. I so often just jump in with my thoughts, and here it has hurt, it has caused a rift. I found myself last night crying out to God, in anger and distress, seeking knowledge and wisdom. I still don’t know if I have it, but I want it. To be the best person I need to be for her. The person God has called me to be.

See, God has the answers. Often times I think the reason we mess up so much, at least it is the case in my life, is that we don’t stop to seek His counsel. We fail to take a break from our busy lives and really search Him, bring before Him our issues and struggles, and ask Him for wisdom, knowledge, strength, courage……to ask Him for answers.

It has been said that the life of a Christian is constantly moving, either forwards or backwards. By no ones part other than my own, I have slipped backwards, and I want so desperately to be back where I was and even farther. Not to please anyone, not to say “look at me”, but because I know that when I am close to the heart of God I find true joy, peace and comfort, even if the situations that surround me suck.

God tells us to just ask Him. We see this again with Jesus in the New Testament, when we are told that upon asking we shall receive, and if we would only knock the door will be opened! I don’t know about you, but I look and think about Jesus’ words in a different light now than before after reading this passage in Jeremiah. I don’t know a lot. Honestly, that is hard for me to confess. I remember the first time I told Amanda “I don’t know” when she asked me something. I hated it. Call it a pride issue. But here I find it easy to put my pride aside. I see more clearly now that I am not the only one who does not know much, and that is ok.

God calls us, He invites us to seek Him. He invites us to trust Him. There is so much I want to know. What to say, when to say it, how to say it. And God simply says “Just ask me and I will answer you. Trust me.”

Father, help me to see and hear better. i am asking that you open my eyes, unplug my ears, help me hold my tongue when i need to.....to just listen. you have so much to say, and i am so quick to just blurt something out. you know my heart and my mind God, how i long to know so much. i ask that you would speak to me, guide me in all that i do, every interaction i have with those around me, and the ones i love. might you bring to light my insecurities, my hurts, and guide me in addressing them rightly. grant me Your strength, wisdom and knowledge. reignite the flame that has shrunk so much in my heart to a bright consuming blaze. speak to me i ask.

faith. trust.

iv been talking a lot as of late about trust...willing devotion to God. surrendering our wills to that of His. it is something that has been hitting me really hard lately, in art because lately i have really sucked at it. iv been drawn to the Psalms, and yet again i have been pushed, convicted, confronted, you name it....i have been challenged to search and dig.

i heard a sermon on this Psalm by Rob Bell once, and it has never left my mind....but, if i am completely honest i think it has my heart. turn to Psalm 77 and join me.

i remember Bell talking about the anger expressed by the Psalmist here, his frustration with God for His lack of action. verse 4 jumped out at me in relation to what the writer says in verses 7-9.

You keep my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

here we see that it was hard for the writer to find words to fully describe how he felt, despite the thoughts being there. wow. how often do i feel like that. i struggle to find the words to describe what is going on around me, and the thoughts running through my head.

even more in relation to verses 7-9, check out 11-12. see, in verses 7-9 the writer is not asking every day questions. he is really questioning God, His character, His very nature. this guy is obviously ticked off. but he made a choice.

remember
meditate
consider

what did he do these things with? the deeds, miracles, works.......not of man, but of God. the writer was faced with hardships, and yet he chose to look back at all that the LORD had done, and in that found hope.

then with that idea in mind, check out what he says in verses 16-18. here he speaks of the responses of creation in relation to Him, and they were extravagant, not simple. God is clearly sovereign over all these things. it is His hands, His Will that causes the winds to blow, the waves to crash, the thunder to crack, and the lightning to flash.

it seems to me that the Psalmist is painting us a picture of a great truth. not just in these verses, but through out the entire Psalm. if God, the Creator, is truly sovereign over creation.....is He not even more capable of providing for us? is He not worthy of our trust and devotion?

i had to do something after i read this. i wrote down different attributes of God, who He is.

full of love
always present everywhere
merciful and gracious
forgiving of His children
jealous of anything other than Him we give our devotion to
holy and pure
just
righteous
faithful
true
all knowing
the Creator
daddy and Father
constant
trustworthy
knows best for all
infinite, without beginning or end
all powerful

the list could go on and on. bottom line, we will never with our finite minds be able to fully comprehend or describe in full who He is. but one thing is clear....

He is more than capable.

the creator and controller of all that we see is fully capable of handling our lives. so what does this mean?

faith. trust. it is that simple. it is letting Him take control of all we have, all that we are. picture a little girl with her father. pure, un-doubting trust....it is that simple. it is not complex like i often make it in my life. it is simple. faith. trust.

my mind jumped to Psalm 51:17. God wants a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. it is that simple. it is us putting our wills and desires aside in turn for His. but it is not just trading wills and desires, it is completely trading seats. see, we often have the mindset of leading our lives. but God has something radically different in mind. it is He who leads, and us who follow.

faith. trust.

we have to realize that nothing we have is ours. it is His. we have to realize that whatever we do is destined for failure. but with Him leading, with us following His Will, nothing can stop us in the end. it reminds me of when Jesus spoke, that what is impossible with man is possible with God. but it takes more than just saying "yes LORD" also. it takes actively seeking Him and His Will for your life. it takes willingly giving up the drivers seat, and sliding over.

faith. trust.

He has proven Himself worthy time and time again, not that He ever needed to. the one who created you, who formed you in the womb and knows you better than you do yourself. the one who created all that we see and hear with His very Word....He is more than capable of leading you. all it takes is faith, trust. it is that simple.

My Deliverer

Turn to Psalm 116. Read the whole thing, and as usual....read it again. Don’t do a normal surface read either. Jump into it, go deep. Then continue here.

So many things just kept jumping out at me. I don’t know what it is, but for the last few days I have just been drawn to the Psalms. Before I found them boring, and in my mind though I knew many of them were songs of praise and out cry, I thought they had nothing to do with me. What could I learn from them??? But that has changed. I have been drawn to them, and the other night it hit me why. I have been struggling, fighting giving God the full reigns. Though I talk like I have, the brutal honest truth I don’t want to admit, is that I have not as of late. And I sit and read these Psalms, and I see myself....I hear myself crying out. In anguish, and in desperation to be back in right communion with God. To be the humble hearted man I have been called to be, willingly surrendering everything before God. Welcome to another part of my story.

5The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.

Stop. Read that again. Think about that. Who He is. Three characteristics that make up who He truly is, evident throughout Scripture and the experiences of His people.

Gracious.
Righteous.
Compassionate.

This is our God, the Creator of all that was, is, and shall be. Constant and never changing. But it gets better, way better.

6The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Did you catch that? Read that first line of verse six again, very slowly. The simplehearted….that which God protects. This fascinated me, and convicted me. What does that mean, and, am I that? See, what the Psalmist here is talking about is those who are simple, childlike in their faith. They trust God and depend on Him as a small child does his earthly father.

It is the ones who truly trust and depend in and on God that He protects. In the times of need, hurt and heart ache, God provides for them. I am convicted. I've said it many times as of late that I have failed in yielding my complete trust to Him. And I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be the simplehearted man of God, not just because of protection and what He will do, but because of what He has done for me already.

And verse seven just seems to highlight this for me. Don’t worry; be at rest because God will protect you. He has everything in control, and you know what? He is a God of compassion, full of it! He is gracious and righteous.....who better to trust than one who has a proven track record?

The Psalmist goes on to highlight some of the things God has been good in relation to. Death, tears, stumbling....hardship and heartache, and God has delivered our souls from this. Not that we will not encounter them, but that He will always be with us when we do. He is constant, ever present among His children.

Then this catches me. It seems that half way through the Psalms, the author often times changes in a sense the message. I couldn’t help my first thought after reading verse 12.....

How can I repay the LORD
for all His goodness to me?

There is nothing we can ever do that will come close to repay Him for what He has done for us. But then something clicked as I read the next few verses, the Psalmist’s response to his question.

13I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Acts of devotion. But not just simple acts. These were done willingly. Did you catch that??? Willingly....he was not forced to do them. He chose to praise and honor God by doing willing acts of devotion.

I have to stop here. I think of us as a Church. We praise God, oh yeah. But is it really a willing act? Or is it more something we do to fit in? We see everyone else doing it, and we don’t want to be the odd ball, so we do it too. Or, we just think we should, so we do. That is not willingness, not even close. Why do we do this? Why do we feel like we have to so much? Now don’t hear me say stop doing it, but check your reasons. Are they pure? Are they God centered and based on a simplehearted willingness to praise God for what He has done?

Or is it just a motion to go through?

We see it hit upon again in verses 17-19.....maybe we should seriously rethink why we worship, why we praise. And what our motivation for doing so is. It seemed serious to the Psalmist....perhaps we should take serious note.

Jump back, verse 15. Man, this like jumped off the pages at me.

15Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

Snap. What does this mean, my mind raced. My mind jumped to this thought, that God rejoices when someone dies in His name willingly. Not that He rejoices because someone died and the pain felt by others, but that they come home to Him. More than that though, that they stand firm in the faith they claim, they die for His name. The saints, those faithfully devoted to Him, He loves and watches over, and rejoices when they come home to Him.

Think of that, and read verse 16 again. It seems as if the Psalmist is identifying himself with those willing to die. He is devoted to his God, willing to die for Him. But more than this, he acknowledges the redemptive power of God. Freeing him from his chains, and because of this he willingly wants to serve this great God.

I am challenged here. And I pray you are too. To recognize who God is, and in that what He has done. I am convicted, for it has been long since I have done this. Acknowledging who He is, and what He has done for me. I see it again, and I am falling in love all over again. A love that drives me to serve Him. A love that desires a simple heart. A love that seeks to willingly serve a great God. The One spoken of in the Psalms....might you be challenged as well.

Search me, Know me

Psalm 139. you should read it. and then read it again. and then, read it again. slowly.

i recommend a few highlighters and pens as well.

i have been hooked on it for the last several hours. just reading over it one line at a time. it fascinates me how brutally open the Psalmist is here, wanting God to search Him, and realizing that it is inescapable.

like really, there is no way to escape it....no where to go.

8If i go up to the heavens, you are there;
if i make me bed in the depths, you are there.

and in verse 10, he further emphasizes this.....that God is inescapable. His supervision is inescapable.

the detail the Psalmist goes into blows my mind. in verse 13 he starts talking about his very being, and how God knows his "innermost being", because He created it. his innermost being.....wow. the very center of our emotions, our feelings of wrong and right.......God knows this very part of us better than we do our selves because He made them.

but it gets better.

check out verse 15 here. the depths of the earth, here he speaks of the womb. it is here that we are woven together, where we are made and formed.

this whole Psalm is one of brutal honest out cry it seems to me, of acknowledging the truth of our creation by the one true Creator, and the truth of the inescapable presence of Him. and with that, willingly seeking that He search us, that He make Him self known to us. that He bring to the surface any offense we have committed.

a willing offering of repentance. might this be our prayer, on our knees before the throne of God. this is what it speaks to me. to the One who holds my life, who ordained all of my days before i was even formed. i ask that He who knows me better than i know myself, search me....test me. that He would know my heart and my thoughts, and bring to my attention any offense i have committed that i might repent of it before Him.

and in doing so, i might stand up humbly and walk in His light. the light which He shines before me, after me, all around me.

Stripping

i don't know. i just feel like there is all of this junk in me lately. stuff from past and present. anxiousness, anger, disappointment, guilt, you name it......i probably have some of it. and i don't want it. i just got done reading a friends blog, where he talks about Adam and Eve after being created, and how they stood....

...naked and unashamed.

he goes on to talk about what this means for us, how there is a timeless truth contained in all of the verses that make up Scripture, God's Word. and here we see one about being real. it feels so long since i have been there. and i long for it. i want to let all of my junk out. but here is not the place for it all.

i feel like i have been wearing a mask, and as of late it has begun to fall apart. it is funny how that seems to happen....i credit it to God. today, i feel like mine just feel off. i sat in chapel during the music and kinda felt out of place, but it felt right at the same time. i felt naked, i felt real......and it didn't bother me. i thought about the crap i have done, the mistakes i have made, the things that have let my God down.....and things started to click in my head. iv been living for me, and saying the opposite.

so here i am. i guess this is saying to myself in some way, I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done walking my way and saying it is His. I'm ready to just let go, to throw i the towel for real this time. I'm ready to trust whole-hearted. and i cant do it on my own. God, you have shown this to me time and time and time and time again. and i don't want to be shown again. i don't want the pain, the guilt....i don't want any of it. it is time i fully realize this "life" is not mine.

i read a part of Psalm 139 this afternoon, and i stopped after a few verses i was so taken back. you know that feeling of tears coming? your heart is wrenched, and it hurts to just swallow? i have always known nothing i do escapes the eyes of God. but something happens to me when i read His Word that says this.

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

all of my junk is known. all the things i did knowing i shouldn't, giving into my desires and what i wanted instead of heeding God. He knows.

it is funny to me when God smacks me, as i like to think of it. it is firm, yet loving. i kept reading a little more and i stopped at this...

Where can i go from your Spirit?
Where can i flee from your presence?
If i go to the heavens, you are there;
if i make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was taken back. my mind races still, as this thought moves from my head to my heart.....no matter how far i stray, God will always be there ready to lead me. no matter what i do or say, He hears. i think of this saying i saw at a friends house not to long ago. it said something like, Jesus Christ is the silent guest at every meal, the silent listener in every conversation....He is there, everywhere. and He knows all that we have done, are doing, and will do.

nothing i say or do is inescapable from Him. i have made some big mistakes in my short life, some even recently. things i look back at and know i was choosing to not listen to God. and i read this. i am reminded. my eyes are opened, and i don't want them to close again.

God, let your piercing light drive the darkness away from me. let Your holiness consume all of me, Your Spirit taking control of my life, Your Will replacing mine when faced with temptations of all kinds. let me never think "no one knows", for You are always present. next to me in the day, watching over me as i lay. let this life truly be Yours, surrendered to Your Will.